This drawing is OK. I do not think it is what I wanted it to be; nor is it what I wish it to be. It misses my ambition. Should I be happy or sad? Methinks I should be neither happy or sad? I choose the middle ground: I accept this drawing is simply one more step on my road to self-expression. It has its own potency of expression, which I must not discount. The surface of the disk-like shape on the right is nicely realized. The contrast between multiple, small forms on the left, and large, simple forms on the right, is expressive. OK. Perhaps it is better than I first thought. I doubt. I am full of regret. I am not perfect. Nor is this road a straight line.
My best drawings compare to nothing I know. They are what they are. How am I able to make one of these incomparable drawings? These is no method. There is permission to fall; fall into a place of comfort and personal awareness. Personal awareness must be deep, so deep as to remove all distractions outside of momentary awareness. This is not easy to do; I fail often. Here, in front of you, is one drawing made in the center of presence.
The creep in me is doing a lot of wondering. What do I know? The drawing shown here was done over a couple days. That slowness of discovery tells me something about my loss and limits. I am devoid of absolute knowledge. I know no more than what I explore. It is not random exploration. I think and feel, therefore I make. I complete thoughts. These works are my visual record. Each records thoughts and feelings. That's worth something. Each work represents processional worthiness. I am within a process of knowing more.
"Honorable Terms" (2021 No.7, state 7), oil on canvas, 52x57⅞ inches, {"The roots of reason are imbedded in feelings — feelings that have formed and accumulated and developed over a lifetime of personality-shaping. These feelings are not a source of weakness but a resource of strength. They are not there for occasional using but are inescapable. To know what we think, we must know how we feel. It is feeling that shapes belief and forms opinion. It is feeling that directs the strategy of argument. It is our feelings, then, with which we must come to honorable terms." - James E. Miller, Jr., "Word, Self, Reality: The Rhetoric of Imagination" (1972)} I didn't know! Who knew? Not me! I am in search for personal monuments. One of my greatest influencers is Henry Moore. I adore his work. I have always been intrigued by Moore great, monolithic, monumental sculptures. Henri Matisse said an artist should look at one's earliest works as he searches for self; in doing so the artist discovers his natural affinities and purpose. I believe the most important education for the artist is reflection upon one's earliest impactful, intensely emotional responses to visual discoveries. Yesterday's work on the painting, "Honorable Terms", altered this painting from a mess of form and light to a monument to form and light. "Honorable Terms" now reflects personal centering. Yesterday's work was mindful discovery linked to personal, emotional responsiveness. "Honorable Terms" is now a monumental, intellectual success. "Gonna Speak to the Crowd" (2021 No.5, state 9), oil on canvas, 62¾x57⅜ inches, {"I'm gonna spare the defeated — I'm gonna speak to the crowd. I'm gonna spare the defeated, boys, I'm going to speak to the crowd. I am goin' to teach peace to the conquered. I'm gonna tame the proud." - Bob Dylan, "Lonesome Day Blues" (2001)} This art-making is a dirty, messy, destructive/constructive process. The painting, "Gonna Speak to the Crowd", is moving between destruction and construction. It ain't over yet. The process has been dramatic, dynamic, revelatory. More will come. I will continue to solve the mystery that is me. I am foolish, yet I do recognize truth when I see it. I am doing enormous work by seeking truth through the process of destroying falsehoods. Simultaneously I am feeling foolish and intelligent. Why did I create complexity that was obviously falderal? I watched myself bending this thing toward NOT speaking to the crowd. How did I allow myself to stray far away from truth telling? I can look back because I post every state of a painting on this blog; I see I lazily followed a path of squiggle and squabble. Did I believe if I did enough mark-making I would find my way? I did delude myself. I can't solve my personal mystery by being indolent about the facts. I must be strong, I must pull upon my heart strings till they yell, "Yes, this is the proper way toward truthful self-expression.
"The Opposite of Indifference" (2021 No.4, state 06), oil on canvas, 50x54 inches, {"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. Because of indifference one dies before one actually dies. To be in the window and watch people being sent to concentration camps or being attacked in the street and do nothing, that's being dead. His or her neighbor are of no consequence. Their hidden or visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the Other to an Abstraction." - Elie Wiesel, "US News & World Report" (27 October 1986)} Doggedly I am in pursuit. Pursuit of the "what" is not clear, nor should it be. I will know it when I see it (if I ever see it). These steps I take are ones in self-knowledge. Goodness and purity are felt, never fully seen in my own work. I know they exist. I have seen them in other artists' work. My belief in myself, the possibility of my being successful, is relentless. I am sure this is the way John Coltrane felt. I keep going back to do more work because I know a little tweak will get me closer to full realization that is my own depth.
Yesterday's work, the drawing and painting, were good, solid steps. I felt ground, but that ground has a little squish to it. "Gonna Speak to the Crowd" (2021 No.5, state 1), oil on canvas, 62¾x57⅜ inches, {"I'm gonna spare the defeated — I'm gonna speak to the crowd. I'm gonna spare the defeated, boys, I'm going to speak to the crowd. I am goin' to teach peace to the conquered. I'm gonna tame the proud." - Bob Dylan, "Lonesome Day Blues" (2001)} New painting! New drawing! New ideas... always! This is lonesome business. Try and see, go here, go there. I am clear and present. I accept my personal journey, my self-expressive journey, my need to make art. "Lonesome Day Blues" "Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 10), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"} Things are getting better because I know better. I have proof. I have proceeded. I am more enlightened today than a few months ago. I have moved. I am closer to true self-expression. Yesterday I returned to earlier works; I saw, I made, required improvements. Today I show a drawing and a painting began a few months ago. Both improved. Their improvement is proof of insight. It feels good. Also, a new drawing was made. It too is strong; it has purposeful clarity, straightforward self-expression.
sThis is about me getting you to see me for who I am. No, I do not want to steal your soul, but I do want you to pay attention to me. My recent work is more attention demanding. This is intentional because it is required. Why plod along making work for myself when I can make work to communicate with you? These two drawing center themselves, request clearly, speak clearly. Why was it so difficult fo me to get this moment? This is the moment I understand clarity of purpose is actually artfully intelligent. The Beatles did it. Beethoven and Picasso did it. The best at their craft understand this. I wonder, why did I wander the complexity of the rain forest when I wanted the simplicity of the desert?
Oblivion is not a place or time, it is a horizon that cannot be reached. Awareness is everything. I am more awake than ever. Being fully awake is the opposite of full oblivion. Both, perhaps, are impossible. In any case, with each drawing I awake to more possibilities that make sense in my march, step by step, to optimal self-expression. This drawing is one such step.
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May 2024
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