The major drawing I completed yesterday (shown above) is more complicated, and more rich in content, than any drawing I have done in the past year. All other recent drawings look like rehearsals compared to this one. It is in the largest format I am currently using, 16 X 20 inches. It is probably a 10+ hour drawing (you can see earlier versions of it in the posts of 03/16/2012 and 03/14/2012). This is another of my graduation parties. What am I graduating to? Well, as the regular reader of this blog knows, lately I have been reluctant to paint. No more. In fact, today I will begin to stretch a canvas a day until I have several blank canvases sitting in the studio. The considerable size of a canvas is daunting, especially the large canvases on which I work. I want canvases to be as accessible as blank paper, and no more valued than a piece of paper. My reluctance has been due to my fear of failure. Not failure in being able to draw, but failure because I have been unable to sustain consistent, and substantial, invention of content. I have been disappointed with my imagery. I have given too much importance to imagery, and not enough to uncomplicated and straightforward process. I am, first and foremost, a simple painter, who just wants to make expressive marks on the canvas. I feel I have failed. So I went back to drawing to work it out, to strip away the distractive and false quests I has set for myself. Where do these come from, these fabricated quests? Too much education can muddle one's mind. I know too much of my own history, and that of western art. Enough resentment; I will begin to paint anew.
Time, time, time; it whips me in a disorienting spiral. I feel like I am caught in the bowels of a tornado. It is what it is, and knowing time is limited incites me to go faster. No matter, I am unable to go more quickly than the pace required by my acting, doing, and acquiring knowledge. There is an inherent speed limit. Thus I muddle forward. I am learning how to behave. I have no choice but to accept proper behavior, because otherwise I spin my wheels and go nowhere. I want to go somewhere; I seek to know more, to understand myself better. My recent spate of drawings is practice in proper behavior. A few weeks ago I thought I was about to return to painting, but I was wrong. I needed more practice in proper behavior. I am trying to clarify the most efficient manner to manufacture a work of art, from start to finish, with me in the work, acting as the work itself in its organic development. This search is instigated by my need to be here now, and not squander my precious and limited time. I am on the verge of understanding this. I am on the verge of acquiring the ability to remain in the groove of required consciousness throughout the creation of the piece of art. Yesterday's drawings are illustrations of proper behavior.
This is it. Yesterday gave little to almost nothing. I just made my hand move. Look for grand stuff a-coming. I am. My web site, MEHRBACH.com, was updated yesterday. Please check out the RECENT DRAWINGS page; it is a elegant summation of my latest graphic accomplishments.
I am going slow, but finding myself. It feels right and good. I am doing this in my personal life too. It takes time. I must not hurry. I must be patient.
Yesterday was a Monday. As usual, this day of the week found me dealing with a lot things outside of making art. Late in the day I did get to the studio to make a significant revision to the major drawing shown in yesterday' s post.
The color temperature of the image of the revised drawing is different than its previous image. The revised version is a much better drawing, and it is, of course, on the same paper. It does not look the same because of the new lights in the studio. Among yesterday's outside of art-making activities was a change to the major bank of fluorescent lights in the studio—the old larger diameter T12 fluorescent tubes were exchanged for the newer T8 bulbs and their ballasts. The new light is whiter, and stronger, with less energy use. Thus the color change. I will white balance my camera today, under the new light, so this will not be a problem with my photographed images going forward. Today I show a drawing, from yesterday, that will undergo a major change today. But first, here is yesterday's warm-up drawing: In the warm-up drawing I enjoy the full forms of both heads, and especially the jutting nose on the man. Yesterday's major drawing is shown below. It is good too, but the man's hand in the middle of the table bothers me. The arm attached to that hand is also awkward. Mostly it is the value of the shadow which is a problem, as it is overly dense and weighty, thus drawing too much attention and disturbing the composition. I will figure it out today and post the revised drawing tomorrow.
This is a time of my gathering presence. After all, I have gotten the fundamentals down. I draw with fluidity, and seamless contact with my intuition. I have always questioned the subject matter of my work: Does it make sense to draw what I draw? I am beginning to accept this question as unimportant, but I am not in full acceptance of that premise. As I write this I feel insecure. Being insecure is being human, but it is a constant, and heavy, burden of me the artist. Insecurity is the major reason I make art.
Yesterday's two drawings exhibit my newfound acceptance of insecurity, and the need to have more 2-dimensional space to look for truth. I posted yesterday's second drawing first (above). It took several hours. It is on the largest paper I am currently using (16 X 20 inches). That's a lot space to cover with 0.7 mm pencil stroke! More importantly, the development is similar to that of a painting. The room to seek and hunt in such a large space is wonderfully open. My better acceptance, and the larger space, has opened a door. I walked through. The drawings are better. More importantly, I am totally absorbed when I draw: me and drawing are one. This total engagement is new: my personality disappears, the ego is gone, there is nothing between me and it. Yesterday's drawing #1 is on my old standard, a 12 X 9 inch piece of paper. This first drawing was a good warm-up, but it did feel cramped and restrictive. Trying not to think out-loud, I followed my needs and went to the larger 16 X 20 inch format, which is now more comfortable for me, with its room to move. I am learning with analytical silence, following my intuitive needs. Recently I have felt dazed and confused, with no intellectual clarity about where I am going. Yesterday's second drawing says "this is OK." It felt good and right.
The figures in my drawings are overwhelming the space. A few days ago I enlarged my drawing format to 16 X 20 inches for just one drawing (see post of 03/02/2012). I have to return to that larger format. Yesterday's three drawings, each on 11 X 14 inch paper, show cramped forms within tight spaces. I need more room to move and play. Then there is painting. I have always gravitated toward larger paintings, feeling most comfortable when the size is at least 50 X 60 inches. Willem de Kooning often chose 60 X 70 inch canvas, Picasso's favorite size was 38 X 50 inches.
I wish I could tell you I know what I am doing is good for me. I am in the middle of transitioning to something important and relevant. I am not getting there quickly. I am sorry to keep you, and me, waiting.
Yesterday produced three drawings. The quality of these drawings is high, each and all of them. Then what is holding me back from the next painting? I wish I knew. |
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April 2024
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