Yesterday was my financial reckoning day, sometimes I refer to it as a Money Monday. Usually I don't get into the studio, but I had been looking at a lot of Modigliani's work. So, I found myself with an hour free and made the drawings you see here. If you look at my previous two blog posts, with their four drawings, you will see where Modigliani and I have common interests. It is mostly in the shape of things preceding the volume of things. Art historians write about the almond eyes in Modigliani's faces. Sometimes their almond-ness is so dominant as not to allow Modigliani to place an iris or a pupil within them. You will see me venture in this direction in yesterday's second drawing. It was fun and entertaining, but not completely me.
The R&R in the title was about my two days doing stuff other than art. One day dedicated to gardening, and the other to a sunny day followed by a celebratory dinner. Yesterday was a nice day for me. Sometimes when I am working so hard to get it right I feel as if my entire soul and body are being used up — I get drained of all energy. That was occurring on the last few days I worked on the painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. I naturally pulled away from that painting and into these drawings. The drawings came easily and happily. When I feel my intuition has caught up with the current state of Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 I will return to it.
I am in-between fully comprehended ideas, so I am following instincts. It was an easy, joyful day in the studio. These are two large drawings from yesterday, made through comfort and intuition. I am apparently waiting for my full energy to return.
My interests are so vast and grand that I do not feel comfortable with my own ambition. This painting, Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014, is me accepting my current limitations and the aspirations of my ambitions. I have resigned myself to following my determination to get it right. I am nagged by the question of its validity. Can I know the path I am on has any value? No! That is exactly where my acceptance lies, within the "no." "No," there is no certainty. I am able to follow my intuitive sense of authenticity and truth. That is all I have to validate my journey. It feels small, with more questions than answers.
Given all these doubts, I am surprised that I believe the importance of Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 grows with every alteration I make. The state I show you today is the best so far. It does feel like a symphony. Yesterday's alterations to the left man's head and body allow him to sits within the symphony better than the day before. Now his shape, his form, and his position play harmoniously within the left movement of this symphony (the left panel). Also, his connection to entire symphony has been enhanced. So here I am, slugging it out between doubts and my determination to get it right. Yesterday's drawing feels particularly weak. When I feel such weakness I ask, "From where did this strange thing come?" I believe it was created by my desire to examine surface more than composition, form, or expression. It probably should never be seen again because it is a mere note to myself, and not worthwhile as a work of art. I have worried about the amount of time it is taking me to complete the painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014, but Brahms took 4 years to finish his first symphony. So, why am I concerned? My concern is nonsense. It is just a distraction. There is good reason I am hanging in there and perfecting this painting. As it was with Brahms, I am undergoing a major transition. I am on the cusp of producing more authentic and expressive art. My engagement with Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 continues because with every change I make this painting gets closer to fulfilling itself and me. This process is continually rewarding.
The right panel of the painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 is looking so very good. In contrast the left panel needs care and alterations. I think it is mainly about the heads of the man and the woman in the left panel — they are just NOT as substantially expressive as those in the right panel. In any case, I celebrate the fact that the last few days of work on Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 has brought it closer to an accepted solution.
Yesterday's drawing is, indeed, another study along the way to a new painting, the soon to be begun triptych. There is not much I can add to that seen in today's reproduction of the current state of the painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. The success of yesterday's changes are obvious. The right panel's increase in compositional rotation and spatial dynamism is amazing. This, created by stretching the man's leg out, and small changes to his shirt and arms. The head of the woman in the right panel now appears a bit too large. Back at it today...
Yesterday's drawing is yet another study for the next painting, a man/woman triptych. With every change that occurs, in the myriad of changes to the painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014, this painting gets better, richer, more expressive. It is scary. I want to finish it off, but with each change I see more deeply. This leads to another change. There will come a time when a change will do little to enhance the painting, but yesterday's alterations to the man in the bottom right corner were definitely important. The compositional structure of this diptych is more full of motion and contrast. At this point I feel a quivering in my stomach when I approach art-making. It is so dauntingly amazing that I have actually learned to make expressive art of this magnitude. It is scary because I can see and feel this painting calling for its next alteration and I face the question of competency every time I work on it. I keep asking, "Do I have the ability to finish it off properly?" Well, that's the reason for all the work and practice I have done. This is a period in my life when my competency is in the midst of my accepting it. I must accept my powers in order to move on to making the substantial and authentic works of art I must make. The painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 is a turning point.
Yesterday's drawing was important too. You can see it happening in these drawings. Compare these drawings to the drawings in the previous post. There is energy and insight in yesterday's drawing, rather than the struggle to survive seen in the drawings posted on 06/04/2014. And so it goes. Yesterday I also spent some time scrutinizing the painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. As much as like the head of the man on the extreme right, his head is not right in relationship to the rest of the diptych. This painting has been a slog toward quality. I have great hopes that this painting is a turning point. I have great hopes that I won't have to go through this slow process again. If I will it so, it shall not be repeated. I look with envy on many of the paintings of Van Gogh and Picasso. Many of Van Gogh's and Picasso's paintings were obviously done in one or two sittings. This happens with ALL my drawings, but I would like it to happen with my paintings too. Oh well, I am here now, and this is what I have to deal with.
I know what I am doing, though it may not be obvious to you. My creative and physical energy ebbs and flows as response to the degree to which it was recently used. Last week was important in terms of the painting, Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. More importantly, it clarified my intent. I am much more clear on the art I must make. I stripped away a few more of my delusions. That effort drained my reserves of energy.
Thus far this week's art-making has been slow. However, after last week's efforts I feel I have the knowledge, and ability, to successfully complete Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. I also feel I know the next step I must take. This is very good. The problem I have with my current reality, i.e. the need to store up energy, is my distaste for waiting for my sharpness, intensity, and focus to come back. I prefer constancy. From experience I know the wait will not be long. That is reassuring. Yesterday's drawings are practice, studies for my next major work, a triptych of paintings. |
To read my profile go to MEHRBACH.com.
At MEHRBACH.com you may view many of my paintings and drawings, past and present, and see details about my life and work. Archives
April 2024
|