I was feeling lethargic and tired. There were two things that had soaked up my energy: my worries and concerns about being swept away by Jury Duty, and the painting Asparagus. This was followed by my worrying about my low energy level! Then came a plumbing failure, which is making our house active with workmen. There are other distractions too. But yesterday I did get into the studio to produce the excellent drawing I show you today. It flowed from me with sensitivity and finesse. Something like this, a drawing that flows easily and well, must indicate a return of real energy, mental and physical. I think it important that I use my drawing as a gauge of my true energy level. I should acknowledge the ease, or difficulty, that is reflected in my drawing. Accepting this as indicator of true energy is much better than the alternative. The alternative is me worrying that I have low energy, then fighting against the need of rest.
Untitled Drawings-02·04·2015 Nos. 1, 2, 3, pencil on paper, 14X11 inches These images are from a couple days ago. The apparent life of this artist is one of wandering in search of methodology. Elusive it will always be, this methodology stuff, because that is not the reality of working in the moment. I have to react to the situation in which I live and work. I keep saying the same thing over and over, the same cliché, "The only constant is change." Everyday is different, so I practice my intelligence of reactivity. Like a football player running down the field with ball, I am practicing to be agile, to deal with anything that comes at me, beside me, behind me, in front of me. Yes, I want to continue forward.
I have made things more difficult for myself. I feel nervous and in a hurry, yet unable to rush. The nuances are insistent. My painting is calling for extreme attention to details. For instance, the blocks near the center of painting lack adequate contrast (light versus dark). Today's reproduction of painting Untitled Painting-01·06·2015, and all my reproductions, are imperfect. The more I attend to nuance the further the reproductions remove themselves from reality. Here is another "for instance": the background's rhythmic undulation of flatly drawn, mountain like peaks, moves from Pure Cadmium Orange on the left to Pure Cadmium Red Medium on the right, yet you can not see this in today's reproduction. I tried to get it right, but the complexity of the all the nuances present in this painting forced me to compromise to get this reproduction as close to authenticity as it now appears. There is no full success in reproducing art works on the web or on paper! I am struggling to be open and free, but time is limited and insights are unlimited. What to do? I choose to struggle on. Untitled Drawings-01·25·2015, Nos. 1, 2, 3, pencil on paper, 11X14 inches
Yesterday was a creepy day. I went into the studio intending to finish the painting Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014, but found myself wondering about its validity. The positive spin on this is... yesterday was a day of self-evaluation. The painting I am about to finish, and the one that preceded it (Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014), are disciplined spans of time, in which I am going from the artist of "take what I have" to the artist of "consolidate and move on." This appears to be self re-eveluation.
I am about to move on, yet I know I have to finish that which I have wrought. It (Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014) has merit, with or without re-evaluation. The problem I face is my own making. I required practice. I needed to discipline my manner of approach in painting, so I made large, major paintings, a diptych, then a triptych. In the heat of making these works I did not know that these paintings are mere moments in my education. I know now that they are springboards to more expressive work. Of course, the more expressive work has not yet been done, so what am I writing about? Isn't every work one does a bit of education? At this juncture it is nonsensical for me to predict the future of my work. Perhaps prediction is always nonsensical. Making is the only true informant. Thus I must continue painting Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 until it is done. The new work will come in its own time and it will not be nonsensical if it springs from all I know. Yesterday's drawing is a good one. It is illuminating. I did not labor it. I did not spend time contemplating it. It flashed itself onto paper with little criticism from me. Nothing much was done on the painting Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014, but the drawing I found interesting in process and in completion. For the painting I had to jump into it the same way I would jump off a cliff sitting above a quarry pool. Being in front of Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 is scary, like staring down at the pool from the top of a cliff. The time of the drop, between cliff top and water, is the most mysterious part of the journey, but it must be done. I know I can complete this thing, and that its finality will be rewarding, but the in-between time is enigmatically full of thought and confusion. That's why I should ignore it and simply take the plunge! I am not going to dwell any more on this this analogy because, if I do, it is simply an excuse not to do that which I must do, i.e. complete the damn thing!
Curiosity is the key to oneself. Following curiosity frees oneself from worries about decisions. Curiosity is freedom from the concern of going one way versus the other. Following a dream allows the wrong path to be taken. There are dream paths that lead to loss and meaninglessness. Dreams are dreams, puff made of smoke and mirrors. Curiosity is the real stuff, made from the origins of intuition. And so it is that the head of the girl in the right panel came to be. It is better, it is more "right", and it was found by following a question I had about size, shape, and meaning. As Picasso was fond of saying, "I do not seek, I find!" Finding is the natural consequence of following one's curiosity. Yesterday's drawing yells loudly, "Curiosity will take you places you never knew existed."
Never boring, but always seems like it should be. Rut? I don't think so. But I do feel, as always, that I could go faster. Just like light has a defined speed so it is with making art, or perhaps creativity in general. Some seem to be faster than I, or is that an illusion based upon the depth of their concerns. I hope that is what it is. It is obvious Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 is coming to conclusion. It is obvious I am testing my limits in my drawing. I hate limits. I will crash through them, all of them, given enough time.
Today I continue to complain about the limitations of time and energy, thus the title. Perhaps I complain too much, and inappropriately. After all, I am human, and I can only understand at the rate at which I can lay down paint or pencil. That's what I'm complaining about! My ability to make marks on paper and canvas feels so very slow, and limited by my insufficient energy. My major limitation is the slowness of insight. Insight in art-making is not momentary. An image must appear before I can react to it. It is, in the reaction, that I have insight.
My current insight is my reaction to the lack of contrast in the backgrounds of the side panels, versus the central panel, in Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014. Today I will deal with that! I can see, in my mind's eye, blotches of yellow, like the specular highlights of Vermeer (some art historians call these pointillés). Yesterday's drawing is a good one. The question which keeps bugging me is, "Why don't I know more quickly?" This process is slow, full of testing and failures. The woman in the right panel of Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 is getting closer to appearing well enough to accept, but she ain't there yet! The look on her head is better. I believe her head is too large. At this point the woman's head in the right panel does not play effectively with the man's head in the left panel. The size of her head places her in a world apart, so her head must diminish in order to bring her back into the overall composition.
Yesterday's drawing was approached differently than usual. I let it fall on the paper, rather than forced it upon the paper. In other words, I did not begin with an idea. I made stroke after stroke, seeking forms which made sense within the developing composition. I carefully watched the developing forms for impact and quality. This method brought me back to the days when I made abstract three dimensional compositions. It made me think, that possibly, I am more about the abstract power of a picture than the figurative power. This will continue to be tested. The range of my work has been restricted by my dedication to the figure. I am uncomfortable with restrictions. There is stuff to do besides make art. Yesterday was one of those days and today is as well. I still made art, and I will today, but art-making time is limited. I have to frame today, and also transport work to the local gallery, Long River Studios.
Yesterday's drawings are either more complex in their values and contrast, or my ability to photographically reproduce has gone terrible. |
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March 2024
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