Yesterday's work is very good. This bring joy, but it also brings fear.
The heavy-duty work has just begun. Just so you know... Now is when everything I make has quality if I approach its making with focused energy. The problem is... focused energy is not always available. For example, You can see ups & downs in the work posted here over the last several days. Yes, you can actually SEE it, because this is VISUAL art! It hangs there, forever scrawled in pencil and paint, and with reproductions always available on the internet. I am turning a corner. I am going from art whose possibilities are limited by skill to art whose possibilities are limited by imagination and invention. I fear failure, because energy and time are limited. So I train, like an athlete. I balance my times of performance with good night's rest, good diet, and good physical exercise. Art-making is like a see-saw. It seems it would be nice to always be on the up-side of the plank, but one of the joys of getting to the up-side is that swoop in the arch. Limits must exist in order to fully enjoy. A bottom must exist to enjoy the top and the journey to the top. That's OK. I just wish an end did not exist. It has happened again! After all my experience it seems I should recognize this cycle! The drawing in my previous post is decrepit and confused. It marked an end of a cycle of creativity. Like gravity waves, this cycle has a long wavelength and has peaks and troughs. Now I am ascending out of a trough. Yesterday surprised with a substantial drawing and first marks on a new canvas. It was a day that lifted my spirits. Out I came from befuddlement and disarray!
Very difficult for me is to admit to cyclical defeat by uncertainty. I go into the studio, knowingly in a muddle. I power on, making a mess of that before me. The question I ask as I trudge is, "Is it better to try with ineptitude, or is it better not to try a all?" Mostly my discipline overwhelms me, so I ineptly hang in there, making bad art. The question I ask continues to have no clear answer. Drawings from 8/14/2015, both pencil on paper, 16X20 inches Yesterday was simple. I made simple drawings. I went to a party where my paintings and drawings were highlighted. In the morning I wrote my blog, at the party I spoke about the ideas I expressed in yesterday's blog post. Simple. Today I am tired, so I will not go to the studio.
ANNOUNCEMENT: It is an annual thing... in late August I take time to reassess where I am, where I am going. I clean the studio. I also think of myself as a business person and revise my business plan. I will begin these two-plus weeks today, returning Wednesday September 2nd. In order to make yesterday's drawing I struggled, seeking and finding the little creative energy I had. I have had a couple of very good weeks. It is time to step back, rest, gather the energy I require, then return to the studio with intention.
I like this drawing. It was made while I dwelled in the openness of exhaustion. Completing surprising works of art do not frequently appear before me, despite my working very hard to avoid self-criticism. A drawing as strange as this one seems to require my giving up a level of control. This happens effortlessly when I am exhausted. In my normal days of activity there must be a relentless background level of self-critical behavior. It must be present. Otherwise I would more often be completely surprised by my output. Does that make sense? This requires a "wait and see" answer. The benefit of me making this kind of open-ended drawing is my practicing unobstructed behavior. This is important. Exhaustion is useful!
I have to stop measuring progress by the amount of hours I work in the studio, or by the amount of paintings or drawings I make. I am really going somewhere very fast. Look at today's drawing! It took me an entire studio session. When completed I had no more voice remaining. It is just one drawing, but what a drawing! It speaks volumes! During the making the knowing flowed from me like rain from the sky. How did I know to make that little butt, and that long neck? I just knew. Look at the line that begins just below my signature and date. I simply knew to go over it, twice. I knew to darken it. It required hefty thickness to play against the demanding darks and grays and forms it had to oppose in order to instigate a feeling for planer space. Then there are the eyes of the woman. No conscious thought went into their making. I did not think about accuracy. I thought, and felt, my way to their emotional narrative. This finding authenticity went on and on: another example is the woman's outstretched hand. It had to be that way. I could not stop drawing, erasing, drawing, erasing, drawing... until it was right! There is more. Her breasts! You get it? Yet I am amazed.
All of this because I took a few days away to gather energy. Creative energy is like a pool that gathers behind a dam. Use it too quickly and it will run dry. If it does run dry, step away and let the pool form again. I was feeling lethargic and tired. There were two things that had soaked up my energy: my worries and concerns about being swept away by Jury Duty, and the painting Asparagus. This was followed by my worrying about my low energy level! Then came a plumbing failure, which is making our house active with workmen. There are other distractions too. But yesterday I did get into the studio to produce the excellent drawing I show you today. It flowed from me with sensitivity and finesse. Something like this, a drawing that flows easily and well, must indicate a return of real energy, mental and physical. I think it important that I use my drawing as a gauge of my true energy level. I should acknowledge the ease, or difficulty, that is reflected in my drawing. Accepting this as indicator of true energy is much better than the alternative. The alternative is me worrying that I have low energy, then fighting against the need of rest.
I am reeling from the hour, or more, that I worked on the photographic reproduction of the painting shown today. The subtlety of the actual work is not there. I could not find a way to get it there. There is something impassible that prevents authentic repercussion of a man-made piece of art. You have to see it to know it. There is no other way. Thus the reasons for museums and art galleries. Do not trust reproductions on the web! They are informative, but vastly inadequate.
I find myself low on creative energy. I do not know if I will return to art-making today. I may take a day of recovery. However, I fear a day of recovery may take me away for longer than a day. Tomorrow I will be informed of my instructions in regards to my call to jury duty. Instructions will be given for the next two weeks. This "call-in" procedure will take place on the first and third Mondays of the next two months. I will keep you informed as to my art-making schedule. All I can say is confusion. My work is going well. I will leave it with reluctance. My call to duty must be obeyed. Drawings-02·18·2015 Nos. 1 & 2, pencil on paper, 11X14 inches I am surprised these drawings exhibit some interesting ideas. Two days ago, when they were made, I simply ran out of creative energy. I left the studio and went home. It fascinates me that I have so little control over the ebb and flow of my creative energy. It is like the weather: somewhat predictable, yet uncontrollable, and sometimes extremely surprising.
I was not full of introspective energy yesterday. So, in the studio I just did what came easy. I did not spend a large amount of time doing it. I had other tasks to perform. I did those other tasks first. This left me with just enough time and energy to do this drawing.
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March 2024
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