Yesterday was one of those days of required calm and low-output, the kind that appears after a few days of high output, and successful creation of in-roads to expression. My body and soul require me to gather energy for the next phase of highly creative acts. I get through these type of days not feeling particularly good, like sitting around waiting for the war to begin again. The painting "Intimidation" is sucking my artistic energy. Last week it went through a transition toward expressive veracity, and needs to go further. Its title may change again. Viewing its last posting (04/27/2012) makes me question to what it speaks. It is more subtle and complex than simple "intimidation." In any case, I am very conscious that my desire to go rapidly to solve my problems, and the problems of the art I make, is limited by an internal gauge which allows me to go a speed of solution clocked by a regulated flow of intuitive energy. I can tell you that I am going to return to solving this latest painting as soon as my creative juices renew themselves. I am hoping this will be as soon as today.
I wonder, am I destined to be an artist of nuance? Yesterday's first two drawings seem to think so. I am following a path through darkness. The logic in my journey is within me, no road-map is present, yet I trust my internal instincts. Is this crazy? Evidence it is "not crazy" is the subtle, yet obvious. My art is undergoing continual enhancement. This is not easily seen when comparing day to day, or week to week, but go back a year and it is indisputable. I am becoming an artist who worries much about longevity, since the path appears unending, and the goal, to make art which exudes the depths of all I know, seems so far away.
Difficult but necessary—that's the way it felt. I am working to get past this feeling of "difficulty" and get to a place where it is simple process. This will come with successful outcomes. I will not feel so nervous about re-making an image if the one lost is replaced by one which is more sincere and profound. After all, the need for a re-make is a result of seeking authenticity in expression. The image of "Intimidation" shown yesterday is not as good as the image shown today: proof I did the right thing!
Talking about risk taking; that is exactly what happened in yesterday's drawings. More and more I simply "go for it." I am beginning to unleash the line and form as fast as I feel it. You can see this in the drawings.
Maybe I should not be this way, but I can't control myself. I must. Today I will change the male's head in the painting "Intimidation" once again. It is not perfect. It does not look so bad if you zoom in and view a close-up of his head, but it is not perfect. From here you can see it. His head is too elongated, especially below the nose. Therefore the mouth sits incorrectly. More importantly the emotions he exudes are not quite right, but they have taken a step in right direction since my last corrections. I do like the hands, which are new in the version shown today.
Every now and then my processing slows down. I see this in my output of adequate, but uninspiring drawings. That's what I presented yesterday, and again today. These drawings are better than nothing, at least for me, because they inform me as I move forward in time and knowledge. They are an act of consolidation.
Yesterday nothing much happened in the studio. I made a couple of experimental drawings. I will show them to you, then be off to the studio.
I have not felt this way before. I know how to act correctly and I am strongly committed to doing so. I am working on this disciplined manner of acting. My art is getting better because I am getting better at staying true to myself. I have accepted my limitations, and consequently my work has expanded in quality and scope. The turning point is my acceptance of my limited knowledge, my limited emotional range, my limited abilities, and most importantly, my need for limited subject matter. The work shown today has the right stuff.
Another simple day of show and little to tell. The art can speak for itself today. It is going the way it should because I am acting the way I should.
I am waking up. The realization that the image dictates its own reality, as I manufacture it, is not easy to accept. I know today that the authenticity of the process is verified by its continuing surprise. Hanging in there is my job. You can understand what I am going through by watching the painting, "Intimidation," being created. Compare one day to the next. I am astonished, and I know astonishment is the correct way to feel. This awakening, allowing a dream to take its own course, is living well.
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