 "Something Else Entirely" (2019 No.4, state 19), oil on canvas, 38.5x62.5 inches {"And you’d spend years trying to decipher the sentence, until finally you’d understand it. But after a while you’d realize you got it wrong, and the sentence meant something else entirely." - Tadeusz Dąbrowski, from the poem "Sentence"} "Something Else Entirely" has been very difficult for me. I feel I have encountered my evil within. This painting is in state 19, and it is NOT complete! Seeing my evil within is seeing the habits that have distracted me from reality. As I make this painting I am unearthing my faults, encountering my bad habits, seeing the manner in which I fall into erroneous steps while in process. Putting it more positively, because of this painting I have grown more truthful; I have thrown faults into the trash bin; I have accepted a more lucid view of reality. The painting, "Something Else Entirely", is much better now than it was before I worked on it yesterday. Also, I am much better. Honest reflexion upon my failures is the best means to comprehend truth and reality.
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 "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" (2019 No.5, state 8), oil on canvas, 48.5x32.5 inches {"My mind is just like a spin-dryer at full speed; my thoughts fly around my skull... Images gunfire across my consciousness... I jump in awe at the soul-filled bounty of my mind's expanse." -Christopher Nolan, Irish Writer on his reasons for writing "The Eye of the Clock", in November 8, 1987 "Observer"} Working on perceptions, one day at a time, one perception at a time, absorbing, then reacting to perceived questions, whether true or false; this is the way to build wealth. It is an uphill journey. Stepping, stumbling, but overall gaining. Higher I go; this journey needs health as well as wealth. The painting I did yesterday was revelatory. Some doubts were quenched, my gains are real, I found happiness in my ability to do this. "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" is almost complete. All the drawing I have recently has led me to believe that truth can be found.
 Drawing 09·26·2019, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I am startled. Everything looks new. I cannot repeat myself because I am here, not there, nowhere but here. My practice of mindfulness is kicking in. Still a struggle; I am closer than ever. There is contrariness in me. I say one thing, then I give recognition to the past; a past I claim I am unable to repeat. I am wary of the past. The past is somewhat delusional. I am working to remove delusion. Bias is always present. Recognition of truth is confusing because bias presents itself like speed bumps; always present, effort is required to avoid. My work is selecting the few clean stones from the slightly tarnished ones. Not easy! Renewal is required. Bias is an enemy. Practice and work are required.
Yesterday's drawing finds truth in its marks. It did not come as easily, with as much conviction, as Drawing 09·25·2019 No.3. Conviction confusion questions quality. Not to worry; today brings renewal.  "Doublethink" (2019 No.3, state 8), oil on canvas, 68x58 inches {"Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them." -George Orwell, "Nineteen Eighty Four" (1949)}  Drawing 08·29·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Swimming in the open ocean is for the self-determined. It is risk-taking. Without risk-taking my art would be repetitive, I'd be bored, and I would have no chance of self-realization. Strange instigates change, instigates reality. Reality is deceptive. It confuses the ability to see truth. As example, there is a reality defined by the likes and dislikes of commercial art gallery dealers. They like art they know, not art that challenges them. This is not just from me. Jean-Michel Basquiat (from the little book, Basquiat-isms) said, "Most identifiable things are what [commercial art dealers] like. I did some portraits last year and they really hated those. But the artists like them." This was exactly my experience with my three recent exhibitions. This does not make me feel better or worse. I feel a need to question all my past art, a need to create chaos in order to seek true ground. This happened yesterday. If yesterday's images disturb you, then good for you and good for me.
 Drawing 01·03·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches If I follow this instinctually-driven road, step by step, my truth shall be revealed.
 Drawing 10·21·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I got a little derailed by a health scare last week. It wasn't true and I am as good as ever. Mortality is very scary. So is underperformance. I want to be the best I can be. This drawing is a good one; made while I was scared. Focusing on art clarifies; it reveals truth. The most basic truth is Now is a joyous gift to celebrate. Celebration is the action of seeking truth; art-making is analogous to truth-making. The truth is found in the doing, since truthfulness is known by the doer as it is done. Art-making is weeding out truth by the act of acceptance and rejection. In other words, making art is a discipline that is the practice of truth-making, which is practicing truthfulness, and practicing truthfulness is universally helpful to every encounter by a living spirit. Practicing truthfulness instructs the living spirit on how to accurately recognize truth, to live truth, to communicate truth. Finally, accepting my mortality has focussed me; I accept my task as I know it — seeking truth by making art.
For a long time I have been playing with the means to accurate reproduction here on the web. I am happy with today's reproduction of yesterday's drawing. That's a first!  "Along for the Ride" (2018 No.7, state 9), oil on canvas, 65x53 inches) {"Maybe the best thing would be to forget being right or wrong... and just go along for the ride." - Philip Roth, "American Pastoral"}  Drawing 08·07·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Every day a little bit closer... Along for the Ride is almost there; what a great ride it is! In the midst of the process that is painting there is a time that is more discomfort than success. This is a symptom of risk-taking, not of ability. In fact, the exercise of talent is void without risk; self-discovery is impossible without risk. The edge of one's knowledge must not be static. When my knowledge becomes static I will be dead to myself.
Yesterday's drawing was exploratory. There are infinite ways to find truth; there are infinite truths!  Drawing 11·21·2017, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches This morning The New Yorker sent an email to all its subscribers with the cartoon I reproduce below. It is apt in many ways. It relates to our society, but also embraces the constant internal arguments I have. Only I get me, and I don't completely get me. That is the major reason I make art. It is also the reason my work bounces around in search for consistent, relentless truth. Can any human endeavor find absolute truth? I think there are absolute truths, like honesty. However, complex endeavors, like making art, do not easily reveal absolute truth. Thus comes my drawings, one simple, the next complex. There are those that are dominated by lines and those that are dominated by hard core black graphite. Yesterday's drawing exhibits the blackest I can get with that pencil of mine.   "2017 No.13" (state 11), oil on canvas, 62x69 inches I always make an effort to see everything at once. I try for universal comprehension. Instead, I get distracted by the ugliest deceit first, then I see the rest of my dishonesty, The floating ring in 2017 No.13 is gone! Yesterday the truth of its deceit hit me hard. After removing the circle I noticed the inappropriate blue flame-like shape (in the upper left). Now it glares at me with its fraudulence. It does not deserve to be there! Unfortunately I am capable of only one step at a time. This undermines my soul. It is personal deception. I was lying to myself and I did not know it. This is why I must live a very long life. It is going to take me a long time to correct all my missteps. Finding right is not a straight path. I want to do this right. I am obsessed. I want to stop messing up. I want to find the simplicity of living within truth.
  Returning to investigation means mucking around for reminders. Consistency of work has its merits. Its detraction is confusion through familiarity. Returning brings fogginess to the familiar, but a superior quality to introspection. Excellent investigation requires time away. I have been told by writers that stopping, putting away the pages, then returning to look with a fresh mind, is effective in rooting out poorer description and phrasing. Here too! Yesterday's two drawings are vastly different in approach and in image. Both have qualities I like. Seeking truth is not quick and easy. This is going to take a lot of time. Hang in here.
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February 2020
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