 "Castle" (2022 No.3, state 12), oil on canvas, 60x58 inches It ain't what it used to be, nor me. Uphill has now become Castle. This change is meaningful because it is big step toward real; there is no fake here. I changed. This painting changed. Reality is good. I am fully committed to truth telling. “Castle” is the real thing.
 "The Beginnings of Caution" (2022 No.4, state 2), oil on canvas, 47¼x47 inches The painting,"The Beginnings of Caution", is better. It is witness to my awaking, it is in the midst of invention of a strategy that will allow me to be more me. All I really want to do is be kind to myself; be real, authentic, don't shy from truths so bold as to be frightening. Call this me becoming “woke." In truth, it ain't easy being oneself. Being oneself is being different from everyone else; it is being different than everything that has come before. Getting woke is difficult because the more you know the more truth and lies you have witnessed. My job is to weed out the lies I have been told, then visually invent the world with truths only, the ones I know are true to the core that is only me.
 Drawing 03·30·2022, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Finding my intimate, familiar self, should be simple; it should be a clear, reliable journey, a defined destination. However, the world has confused my vision. Education told me there are ideas that must be valued. I am the sum total of my life experience and my education; together these are vast, not simple; they confuse me because education and experience often contradict one another. My entire life has been devoted to getting to the simple, familiar place. The Artist’s journey is the Artistic activity; it is the sweeping away of confusion, it is the ridding of distractive details, it is honing in on personal truth, making true into consistent activity.
The drawing I show today is one more fleck along my journey. It was, in its active making, a practice of trueness to my spirit.  Drawing 03·22·2022, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches I am looking for truth and its consequences. I want every mark to count. I want every mark to add to my emotional depth, to add to the emotional depth of my art. This is non-verbal; I recognize true when I see it. I am a visual artist because of the simultaneity of my feeling and my seeing. It is through seeing that I know. My seeing is astute, well developed over years of self-education. Education is testing, looking for truth. Education is failures and successes, weeding out failure, allowing only success to remain. I have other senses. My other senses are not as well developed as my seeing. I recognized truth when it appears in front of my eyes.
 Drawing 03·08·2022, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches There is only one true way; it is hunker down, accept, let-go, realize the real. Real is not easily seen, or easily understood. Real is known. Knowing is not an in-your-face, bold, there it is, kind of thing. Search truthfully, and you shall find. Truth itself is deceptive, yet obvious when encountered with an open mind and open heart. This drawing, from yesterday, and the drawing that preceded it, from 3/1/2022, are the most real I have ever done. Yet, these are pure abstractions. They must be viewed with open heart and open mind, like meditating within the ether of one's memory and time.
 "Silence, Exile, and Cunning" (2022 No.1, state 5), oil on canvas, 45½x57 inches, {"I will not serve that in which I no longer believe whether it call itself my home, my fatherland, or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use, silence, exile, and cunning." - James Joyce (1882-1941), "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" (1916)} Real is what real does when personal reality is accepted. I am in the process of accepting the animus of myself. Philip Guston said to me, "You really enjoy inventing a world full of little abstract forms and figures." Guston said this with glee (as he viewed one of my student paintings, see below). In other words, Guston recognized my most basic motivation before I had accepted it. For years after Guston’s comment I continued to squirm, search, look and wonder. Now I return, now I accept the truth of my mentor’s observation. Philip Guston’s recognition of me finding joy through invention of forms and figures is worthy of my acceptance. I denied a truth seen by this mentor like a child who chooses to deny the wisdom of his parent. Guston knew me better than myself. Now I am seeing my acceptance become real in the painting, "Silence, Exile, and Cunning”!  "Objects & Me", oil on masonite, 1978  Drawing 01·29·2022, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches There is a core solidity to this drawing. This solidness is happening to all my work. It is happening now, in everything I do. It feels masterful. Have I arrived at a higher level? That does not matter, because my work is simple. I work to become more mindful. My one clear idea, my true knowing is this: As I make I am able to distinguish correct from delusion. My process is finding truth through recognition. This I believe: More true than false adds up to masterful work.
 Drawing 12·28·2021, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches There is much going on in this living we do. True, deep reflection, is often placed in a convenient cage outside ourselves. Then, miracle happens. It dawns upon us. True becomes real. Truth be found. Here I am, in the struggle for truth. That is my job. This drawing is one filled with insight, yet unsatisfactory. Full truth continues to be a few steps away.
 Drawing 12·21·2021 No.1, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 12·21·2021 No.2, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches I am on my own road. This is a shoutout to myself: "Follow your own compass!" and, "To thyself be true!" I am abandoning misdirection. Misdirection is mostly using models for direction. These drawings an't nothing but my own. I am choosing simplicity. This is me accepting my own minuscule knowledge. Forget the guy who was edgy. I was looking for revolution; I should have been following what I know. Here, in these drawings, I am working toward my personal summative truth.
 Drawing 11·18·2021, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches It appears impossible. I cannot get there by straight and true. I go in spirals, circling truth, hitting falsehood, saying "Ouch!", saying "Hey, that makes sense!", i.e., I am in an activity of assembling successes and failures. Through the work of assemblage truth is revealed. When my work sits in front me, naked and alone, assembled for my introspection, that's when I see truth and dishonesty. My job is to weed through confusion, toss out the weeds, bring truth back home. It ain't easy to recognize lies and personal deception. Truth hard to see when deception is part of every extended activity. There are few moments in my my life when I have the simple feeling that all is right, all is what it should be. I am doing OK. Yesterday's drawing is better than most.
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At MEHRBACH.com you may view many of my paintings and drawings, past and present, and see details about my life and work. Archives
June 2022
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