 "Seriously?" (2018 No.10, state 5), oil on canvas, 49.8x61.5 inches {"All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously." - Hermann Hesse, "Reflections", ed. Volker Michels, 1974}  Drawing 11·28·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Reality is fluid. Corrections are always possible, but not always efficacious. The painting Seriously? has many corrections to come, as does Chaos, Stillness & Prayer (the painting whose beginning immediately preceded Seriously?).
I find yesterday's drawing very good. One measure of excellence is perception while in action — this one, during its making, made me feel full of knowledge. I believe that's a good thing. I always fear self-delusion. Vincent Van Gogh feared self-delusion too; look where that got Vincent!
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 Drawing 11·14·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Approach can swing from fully intellectual to fully emotional. The sweet-spot must be somewhere in-between. The sweet-spot is not-too-soft, not-too-hard, but just-right; yes it is something Goldilocks would enjoy!
Yesterday's drawing consumed my entire studio time. That drawing is intricate and it is thoughtful, but it felt dry in-the-making. This drawing was born mostly from my intellect and less from my emotions. Does it fail the viewer because it is not fully human? This is my worry. Living well, making art well, both are not fully intellectual nor fully emotional. Art, if done well, contains a balance of intellect and emotion. So how do I do this in a way that fully represents me? Perhaps, if this drawing were a bit different it would be more emotionally successful. For instance, if the form on the bottom right were larger, would its contrast create emotional stress through a dramatic emotional juxtaposition of forms? Instead it is so well balanced as to be comfortably numb. I do not want to represent this drawing as poor, or inadequate. It is an excellent drawing; but it just does not speak with a striking amount emotional energy. I want more. OK, I know how to put together a nicely balanced composition, one that is intellectually satisfying. Again; I want more! I want to see the stresses of existence in my art; the push and pull between my intellect and my emotions. The quest is truth and representation of the authentic consequence of living. I am getting closer. Writing, as I am today, is a call for my instigating a great effort to move closer to full satisfaction, me delivering a performance that fully and completely represents all I feel and know. (Beethoven's Ninth Symphony come to mind!)  Drawing 11·06·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Making sense is the slow and steady knock, knock, knocking on the door of knowing. The door opens a crack, then a wider crack, and finally an opening wide enough to walk into. I can feel this happening; in both my paintings and in my drawings. Do I actually understand something more profound than I can say in words? Definitely?
 "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 4), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967} My allocation of time in the studio has changed. Yesterday I spent the entire time painting. This is my revolution. A year ago I always proceeded the time allotted to painting with time drawing, always. What does this change in habit mean? I now find painting as excitingly exploratory as drawing. This is about self-confidence too! I have always felt my drawing is about successful problem solving; solutions were available because my confidence level was high. I was not so confident with my painting. This confidence in my ability to solve problems by painting is new! I like it! The painting Chaos, Stillness & Prayer is being solved!
 "Burnt Norton" (2018 No.8, state 21), oil on canvas, 63x66 inches {"What might have been is an abstraction; Remaining a perpetual possibility; Only in a world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory." -T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"}  "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 3), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967} Perfection takes time. I must not let perfection distract me from advancement. Improvement comes by avoiding the lure of perfection. Improvement means knowing when I must move to a new endeavor. The lessons learned from my inability to achieve perfection will be used as instruction during my next effort. Betterment is slow and steady work. The endeavor to reach perfection must come with acceptance; perfection will never be achieved. Thus is human reality.
Burnt Norton is so darn close to completion. I have been tweaking and altering, each change coming with its sense of necessity to the fulfillment of the piece. Simultaneously I have been working on Chaos, Stillness & Prayer. I am going to limit myself to one more session on Burnt Norton.  "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 2), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967} I am simultaneously finishing and beginning paintings. Burnt Norton is concluding as Chaos, Stillness & Prayer begins. Comparison of emotions, beginnings versus conclusions, are stark. I enjoy the mastery, the skill, and the virtuosity I feel as I polish a painting toward its conclusion. Not so enjoyable is the chaos and quandary I feel during the beginnings of a painting, Both have their emotional merits; both bolster my sense of significance, the self-worth I find in accomplishment. I will feel fine when Chaos, Stillness & Prayer starts to make sense; I will feel gratified and strong. Until then, it is the difficult work of problem solving, i.e., finding a reason for this painting to live.
 "Burnt Norton" (2018 No.8, state 19), oil on canvas, 63x66 inches {"What might have been is an abstraction; Remaining a perpetual possibility; Only in a world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory." -T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"}  Drawing 10·27·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Jumping into a pit of obstacles, hazards and rewards, is the means to success in sport and in art-making. I found I can act well when challenged by multiple possibilities, some leading to success, some leading to failure. This is problem solving. This is the activity of art-making. This is the activity of sport. Art is engineering and athletics combined. It is physical, and it is mental. Yesterday I leaped into a drawing. For a while I felt lost. I had created many possibilities. For a while it felt confusing and chaotic. There were moments when I thought it best to abandon the drawing. I did not. I was rewarded. I found order within the chaos I had launched. This success by challenge is a great thing; it brings vitality. If the result is success, then trust in one's abilities are bolstered. More challenge will follow. It is a practice I will continue.
Burnt Norton is now very close to complete. The tweak is on! Burnt Norton shall now be completed with minor alterations in color, line, and form.  "Burnt Norton" (2018 No.8, state 17), oil on canvas, 63x66 inches {"What might have been is an abstraction; Remaining a perpetual possibility; Only in a world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory." -T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"}  Drawing 10·24·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Yesterday's drawing was fluidity fulfilled — it came easily (which is not necessarily a good thing). That drawing is clogged with detail. Its surfaces are animated with energetic marks. Its forms fell from notions past and present. So what's not to love? When I view it I feel insecure. This drawing is either ahead of my comprehension or it is limited by fixed knowledge tucked away in memory; I am unsure. My confusion with its origin is the root of my insecurity. Best for me to paint today. On my painting wall I have two paintings in process. Burnt Norton is in its 17th state, and Chaos, Stillness & Prayer is in state 1. At this moment, Chaos, Stillness & Prayer is aptly named, since my work on it today will be from a state of emotional insecurity.
 Drawing 10·23·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches My knowledge is converging into my artistic personality. My artistic personality is a revelation of myself. I do not want my art to be simple manifestation of id. I want it to measure self-discovery deeper than instinct, deeper than my primary intellectual and emotional processes. This is about me finding the reason I am; the reason I exist; the reason my actions have meaning beyond action itself. I know my being has importance. Everyone has importance. Me, the artist, wants to manifest my reason to live through visual imagery. The game I play is this: I actively reveal myself to myself; I make the effort to communicate that revelation to my viewers. We have commonness in self-worth. I am hoping my art allows us to be together, to simultaneously be uplifted by self-glorification. Our existence has value; it has significance because it is consequential.
Yesterday's drawing is immensely important to me. It gathers accumulated knowledge through deep-rooted conversation with myself. I did this in the act of making it. It is simultaneously the convergence of knowledge and the creation of new knowing. This is the process I define as art-making. Given my discussion today I believe I have made a larger discovery. The current art market revels in found images, i.e., images made by Banksy, Jeff Koons, and (from the the past) Andy Warhol. My art is vastly different in concept; different from those successfully marketed artists. It is not about simple images defined by our cultural camaraderie. It is about images that are layered with nuance of selfness.  Drawing 10·18·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 1), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967} Making art, making life, is full of distractions; there is a lot of chaos. Ordering emotions, placing them in front of myself, rooting them out despite the distractions, separating truth, attempting to clarify truth by making images; this is my job. I bring order to my living by giving attention to the stuff I can order. It is understanding I seek. I will not allow the distractions of chaos to stop me from my effort to make sense of this state of being.
Yesterday was a good day. I did follow my need to use visual motion to exude personal emotion. I did this in a drawing, I followed it with a new painting, Chaos, Stillness & Prayer. |
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December 2018
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