 "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 10), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967}  Drawing 02·10·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches The most painful part of being an artist is doubt. Everything completed could have gone a million different ways. Decisions were made along the way that steered each work of art one way or the other. If it went one way, the other is lost. I can never know the other possibility because the moment I finish a work I am newly educated; I think differently than before I began the work. Lost is truly lost, never to be regained. There is no possibility of repeating the moment of inspiration; beginnings are available only once. It is with this feeling of not-knowing, not-knowing other possible outcomes, that I declare the painting "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" complete.
Drawings have these death moments as well. Yesterday's drawing is excellent, but it is not so distant in my memory, so I wonder about the choices I did not make. Here is where memory heals doubt. Two days from now I will walk in the studio and be very happy with Drawing 02·10·2019. Today I look at it and wonder about the possibilities it did not follow. Not-knowing hurts!
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 "Seriously?" (2018 No.10, state 9), oil on canvas, 49.8x62.5 inches {"All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously." - Hermann Hesse, "Reflections", ed. Volker Michels, 1974}  Drawing 12·13·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches The painting, Seriously?, is being pushed toward atmospheric effects. I am dealing with so many disparate issues in my painting. This struggle to understand so many issues, from form to image to painterly, does not afford easy solutions. How does a form fall into a painting's atmosphere when local color must be decided too? This process is currently a push and pull activity. I am working hard to make it a natural process of pure flow, not ebb and flow! Can that happen? I believe it can. This is called working toward mastery. We all know mastery can happen. We all know mastery was different for Picasso than it was for Matisse. Please, hang in here with me. My struggle, to move toward mastery, is better endured if I don't do it alone. Thank you!
 "Seriously?" (2018 No.10, state 5), oil on canvas, 49.8x61.5 inches {"All higher humor begins with ceasing to take oneself seriously." - Hermann Hesse, "Reflections", ed. Volker Michels, 1974}  Drawing 11·28·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Reality is fluid. Corrections are always possible, but not always efficacious. The painting Seriously? has many corrections to come, as does Chaos, Stillness & Prayer (the painting whose beginning immediately preceded Seriously?).
I find yesterday's drawing very good. One measure of excellence is perception while in action — this one, during its making, made me feel full of knowledge. I believe that's a good thing. I always fear self-delusion. Vincent Van Gogh feared self-delusion too; look where that got Vincent!  Drawing 11·14·2018, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Approach can swing from fully intellectual to fully emotional. The sweet-spot must be somewhere in-between. The sweet-spot is not-too-soft, not-too-hard, but just-right; yes it is something Goldilocks would enjoy!
Yesterday's drawing consumed my entire studio time. That drawing is intricate and it is thoughtful, but it felt dry in-the-making. This drawing was born mostly from my intellect and less from my emotions. Does it fail the viewer because it is not fully human? This is my worry. Living well, making art well, both are not fully intellectual nor fully emotional. Art, if done well, contains a balance of intellect and emotion. So how do I do this in a way that fully represents me? Perhaps, if this drawing were a bit different it would be more emotionally successful. For instance, if the form on the bottom right were larger, would its contrast create emotional stress through a dramatic emotional juxtaposition of forms? Instead it is so well balanced as to be comfortably numb. I do not want to represent this drawing as poor, or inadequate. It is an excellent drawing; but it just does not speak with a striking amount emotional energy. I want more. OK, I know how to put together a nicely balanced composition, one that is intellectually satisfying. Again; I want more! I want to see the stresses of existence in my art; the push and pull between my intellect and my emotions. The quest is truth and representation of the authentic consequence of living. I am getting closer. Writing, as I am today, is a call for my instigating a great effort to move closer to full satisfaction, me delivering a performance that fully and completely represents all I feel and know. (Beethoven's Ninth Symphony come to mind!)  Drawing 11·06·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Making sense is the slow and steady knock, knock, knocking on the door of knowing. The door opens a crack, then a wider crack, and finally an opening wide enough to walk into. I can feel this happening; in both my paintings and in my drawings. Do I actually understand something more profound than I can say in words? Definitely?
 "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 4), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967} My allocation of time in the studio has changed. Yesterday I spent the entire time painting. This is my revolution. A year ago I always proceeded the time allotted to painting with time drawing, always. What does this change in habit mean? I now find painting as excitingly exploratory as drawing. This is about self-confidence too! I have always felt my drawing is about successful problem solving; solutions were available because my confidence level was high. I was not so confident with my painting. This confidence in my ability to solve problems by painting is new! I like it! The painting Chaos, Stillness & Prayer is being solved!
 "Burnt Norton" (2018 No.8, state 21), oil on canvas, 63x66 inches {"What might have been is an abstraction; Remaining a perpetual possibility; Only in a world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory." -T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"}  "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 3), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967} Perfection takes time. I must not let perfection distract me from advancement. Improvement comes by avoiding the lure of perfection. Improvement means knowing when I must move to a new endeavor. The lessons learned from my inability to achieve perfection will be used as instruction during my next effort. Betterment is slow and steady work. The endeavor to reach perfection must come with acceptance; perfection will never be achieved. Thus is human reality.
Burnt Norton is so darn close to completion. I have been tweaking and altering, each change coming with its sense of necessity to the fulfillment of the piece. Simultaneously I have been working on Chaos, Stillness & Prayer. I am going to limit myself to one more session on Burnt Norton.  "Chaos, Stillness & Prayer" (2018 No.9, state 2), oil on canvas, 54x36 inches {"Art has something to do with the achievement of stillness in the midst of chaos. A stillness which characterizes prayer, too, and the eye of the storm.... an arrest of attention in the midst of distraction." -Saul Bellow, "Writers at Work: Third Series", 1967} I am simultaneously finishing and beginning paintings. Burnt Norton is concluding as Chaos, Stillness & Prayer begins. Comparison of emotions, beginnings versus conclusions, are stark. I enjoy the mastery, the skill, and the virtuosity I feel as I polish a painting toward its conclusion. Not so enjoyable is the chaos and quandary I feel during the beginnings of a painting, Both have their emotional merits; both bolster my sense of significance, the self-worth I find in accomplishment. I will feel fine when Chaos, Stillness & Prayer starts to make sense; I will feel gratified and strong. Until then, it is the difficult work of problem solving, i.e., finding a reason for this painting to live.
 "Burnt Norton" (2018 No.8, state 19), oil on canvas, 63x66 inches {"What might have been is an abstraction; Remaining a perpetual possibility; Only in a world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory." -T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"}  Drawing 10·27·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Jumping into a pit of obstacles, hazards and rewards, is the means to success in sport and in art-making. I found I can act well when challenged by multiple possibilities, some leading to success, some leading to failure. This is problem solving. This is the activity of art-making. This is the activity of sport. Art is engineering and athletics combined. It is physical, and it is mental. Yesterday I leaped into a drawing. For a while I felt lost. I had created many possibilities. For a while it felt confusing and chaotic. There were moments when I thought it best to abandon the drawing. I did not. I was rewarded. I found order within the chaos I had launched. This success by challenge is a great thing; it brings vitality. If the result is success, then trust in one's abilities are bolstered. More challenge will follow. It is a practice I will continue.
Burnt Norton is now very close to complete. The tweak is on! Burnt Norton shall now be completed with minor alterations in color, line, and form.  "Burnt Norton" (2018 No.8, state 17), oil on canvas, 63x66 inches {"What might have been is an abstraction; Remaining a perpetual possibility; Only in a world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory." -T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"}  Drawing 10·24·2018, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Yesterday's drawing was fluidity fulfilled — it came easily (which is not necessarily a good thing). That drawing is clogged with detail. Its surfaces are animated with energetic marks. Its forms fell from notions past and present. So what's not to love? When I view it I feel insecure. This drawing is either ahead of my comprehension or it is limited by fixed knowledge tucked away in memory; I am unsure. My confusion with its origin is the root of my insecurity. Best for me to paint today. On my painting wall I have two paintings in process. Burnt Norton is in its 17th state, and Chaos, Stillness & Prayer is in state 1. At this moment, Chaos, Stillness & Prayer is aptly named, since my work on it today will be from a state of emotional insecurity.
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February 2019
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