 Drawing 02·06·2020, graphite on paper, 16x20 inches Yesterday's drawing surprised me. That drawing did not surprise me as much as our world gone bazzarro. Yesterday a large crowd of well educated, relatively intelligent folks, sat in a room applauding a bully-full of denigrating and dishonest comments. The comments were aimed at good folks, aimed at people calling a spade a spade. By spade I mean a tool with a sharp-edged, typically rectangular, metal blade and a long handle, used for digging or cutting earth, sand, turf, etc. (the dictionary definition). I digress; back to the importance of making art: I do not particularly like yesterday's drawing. Yesterday brought two things I do not particularly like, both need to be revisited with honesty in the forefront. My part is this: I must hunker down into my emotions. The drawing seen here is a technical marvel, but it does not engage emotionally. That is my failure. I need to go back, allow my emotional juices to flow onto the page. Moving a form here, a bit of light there, darkness over here, is not good enough! I am obligated to spill the beans of my tumult in real time.
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 Drawing 01·21·2020, graphite on paper, 20x16 inches Notoriety is sought, but is not necessary. I will make art whether it is noticed or not, whether my art is enjoyed by others or not. I would like to live easily and well, enjoying financial profits from my art. However, I am a local variety of artist, not an internationally known entity. I make great art. I make art of substance and profundity. My art is depth-filled, emotion-filled, and intellectually satisfying. I make art despite limited financial success? I make it for myself. I live in a world where my country's leader is devoid of substantial talent, unless you call talent his supreme ability to whine. He has whined himself through life; he is great at it! He has whined despite the enormous financial gift from his father. He lies about, saying he is self-made. He has whined so well that the disenfranchised believe his life is akin their theirs; he has convinced those who suffer and worry that he suffers and worries along with them. His power comes from the votes of the disenfranchised, those who believe their best days are behind them. Should I too whine to get noticed? It obviously has profited the man at the top! I make true work; I do not get attention based upon calling out disgraceful and worse I have even seen and sham and hoax or saying my conversations are perfect and I am the best ever! His language says others have failed, and he has succeeded despite evidence to the contrary. Me, I just do my best.
Yesterday's drawing is successful. It is grand in its comprehension, its exhibition of intellect and emotion. Perhaps this drawing marks my graduation from local interest to international interest. I cannot force that leap to happen. If it does not happen it would be easy to whine about it. In my case I know whining is not my route to attention and financial success. Nice if it were that easy for those of us who do real work.  "Inertia to Movement" (2019 No.6, state 3), oil on canvas, 64.5x64.75 inches {"Emotion is the moment when steel meets flint and a spark is struck forth, for emotion is the chief source of consciousness. There is no change from darkness to light, or from inertia to movement, without emotion." -Carl G. Jung (1875-1961), "The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious", 1955, translation R.F.C Hull} The two Carls believe the same thing; i.e., Jung and Mehrbach. There is no change from darkness to light, or from inertia to movement, without emotion. It is me that I seek. I seek me by practicing the best means I have available, my emotional responsiveness. I like the changes that occurred yesterday in the painting Inertia to Movement. Here is witness to my accepting emotional response as responsibility. In this painting the layers of mess are contrasted with clearness and light, they exist in contraposition, one to the other. Through holding two opposing conditions simultaneously this painting exhibits one as true if, and only if, its contrapositive is true. Contraposition  Drawing 12·04·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches As much as I like the drawings shown in my previous two posts, I like this one more. I like it more because of the process in which it was made: completed in one session, spontaneous without preconception. I am striving to find true emotion in my work; a kind of deep-seated truth that speaks simultaneously my intellect and emotions. I am getting closer, but this is not a battle easily won. I find dark, high contrast spots, areas, and forms, allow for better communication of my feeling; this is an intellectual decision, but rings true. This drawing has that.
 "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" (2019 No.5, state 9), oil on canvas, 48.5x32.5 inches {"My mind is just like a spin-dryer at full speed; my thoughts fly around my skull... Images gunfire across my consciousness... I jump in awe at the soul-filled bounty of my mind's expanse." -Christopher Nolan, Irish Writer on his reasons for writing "The Eye of the Clock", in November 8, 1987 "Observer"} Methinks this may be done; I am writing about "Gunfire Across My Consciousness", which was started in a flurry of ideas, then bogged into questions with slow answers, and is now coming together in a time of security in knowledge and emotions. I feel good! I believe "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" is a very good painting.
This brings me to the mystery of my creative life. I go through periods when I feel lost, feel very alone; I despair that time and ideas are not great enough. Right now I feel the opposite. I believe I know what I am doing; I just have to show up to get it done. Creativity is cyclical, as are the intellectual and emotional structures in living.  Drawing 11·12·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches This is a tremendous drawing in many spectacular ways. Seeing it authentically, in person, is an awesome experience. I hopped through it. Its making was a prodigious adventure from beginning till end, uplifting in feelings, a great expression of skill!
 Drawing 10·30·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Mindfulness is filled with humor. Too much reflection on one's origin, or one's end, lends somberness to existence. The fleetingness of existence is humorous; our existence is devoid of eternal consequence. I would be relentlessly somber without humor. I do not like somberness. Life's quickness contains glory, pain, and process. I am choosing to add humor. I will not be forever intelligent and emotive because I am a minute collection of star stuff, Big Bang stuff; I am basic matter and energy. Skill is a curse. It is a responsibility. It opens enormous possibilities. It allows for successful communication. It is painful when neglected or used unwisely. Today you can see me questioning the possibilities of skillfulness; you can see it in the drawing I post today. In humor come my questions. I also post a cartoon. It illustrates human misunderstanding of skill. True skill is rare. Skill exists because its possessor has expanded his/her consciousness. Using skill well allows for depth of meaning, but skill can be used badly to shallowly exhibit sheer bravado.   Drawing 10·13·2019, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 10·12·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Yesterday's drawing feels familiar; the one from 10/12/2019 feels strange. Both done by the same guy. Both completed yesterday, but one began two days ago. No one can say I am not searching. I get surprised too, you know. The tale told today is one of insecurity. I walk forward, step by unknown step, because I am not sure who I am.
 Drawing 09·28·2019, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches From where does it come? I step up, I begin, it happens. I am giving into me the conduit. I channel the water to the barrier that separates the internal from the external. I work to allow it to spill over the dam. In my earlier living this dam held it back. I have found a means to open the gate through the process of mindful questioning. Without criticism I will continue this process. I know not where I go. I know this: the art I am making is me blurring the distance between that which I know and that which I can make real on paper and canvas.
Yesterday's drawing came in fluidly. It felt real and right, yet I continually questioned if bias, i.e., previous decisions, were tilting my process away from immediate truth telling. The questions remain, the answers will continue. The continuity of mindful questioning will yield truth to be told.  Drawing 09·25·2019 No.1, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 09·25·2019 No.2, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 09·25·2019 No.3, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Yesterday exhibited great potential. Every step I made brought me closer to pure internalization. I witnessed myself as I witnessed my drawings. Each drawing came easier than the last. The last made most sense of all — it had, and has, intense meaning. I felt my way through it as I feel my way through a conversation of great meaning. Here I am. These drawings are profound; they contain revelation and revelation again. I made them till I exhausted all meaning.
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February 2020
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