Satisfaction is impossible for me. I took a few days away. I celebrated this Winter Holiday Season with family and friends. I return to the studio today, unsatisfied. I know I can express more fully. I know I have succeeded and failed. Today I show the last drawing I did, back on December 20. The skill this drawings exudes is undeniable. That is not enough for me. I want more. I return to the studio armed with a new camera, a Nikon mirrorless camera. Everything else is the same.
I am not fully satisfied with this drawing. It succeeds in some ways. It fails to fully be what I know my drawings are capable of being. Right now, this inability to be happy, with any one work of mine, is intense. I am in high research mode. With every drawing I make I want to make another drawing. Everything I do looks to succeeds a bit, but fails to get to a place that radiates all I wish to express. Failure is driving me onward, step by step.
I do not feel good about the drawings. Something is amiss. They do not fit me well; they feel like ill-fitting clothes; too tight here, too loose there. These are not images I wish to project when out and about. These drawings do not illustrate me!
What do I want? I want to simplify my simple self. I need to make clear my feelings and intellect. These drawing muddy the waters that are my living blood. I want to be deep arctic seawater on a clear blue-skied day: crystalline blue, full of life, cool, pleasant enough to be inviting, straight forward enough to be understandable in intellect and in emotion.
One more drawing; one more day; many more thoughts on how my art should be. Never a minute relaxed; never without discontent and anxiety; always in my head there is this question, "How can it be better?" What should I try? In what image can I find truth and reality? Always there are more questions, more answers. No answer feels adequate! I must try again, make more answers. Relentless!
Ideas are never fully satisfied during discovery. They lead to knowledge. They lead to better self-expression, but not instantaneously. This is the work of making art. Here it is. One more drawing. Another idea that has consequences. Who could ask for anything more?
Yesterday felt confusing. I entered the studio thinking I had the painting "2017 No.4" under control, but no. My previous blog post was called "Plain & Simple." I wish it so, but that's not reality, at least for now. I anticipate changes today. Yesterday's drawing looks like some things residing on an extraterrestrial planet. New planets circling stars other than our sun have been in the news lately. This is no excuse.
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