What's it all about? For me it is about self-discovering my own organization. I have lived a life looking to quantify and qualify, to make sense of the confusion I was born into. I drifted out of a youth organized for me, i.e., childhood nurtured by parents, school, athletics, a science career, being educated as an Artist (Apprenticeship and an M.F.A. under the mentorship of Philip Guston). None of it satisfied me. None of it made complete sense to me. I was told what was seen as correct, not what made proper sense to me. I began organizing myself. It has been a slow process. I really did not know who I was or what I wanted. I decided to abandon the organizations that had been given me, those from outside myself. I began the process of replacing those outside organizations with an organization I had to make myself. This is happening, but very slowly. The process of me abandoning one organized activity after the next was easier than creating my own organized self. Now I am alone. I have to organize myself by myself. I have chosen Art-Making as my organizational process. The problem with this choice is the limits of my ability to organize myself. I have not done well. I believe I have failed because I have not accepted the absolute discipline required to make something fully whole, fully organized. Like everyone, I began with bare bone instincts, instincts I had acquired though education and experimentation. I know now I must choose wisely by choosing to follow the instincts that make most sense to me. Yesterday’s drawings made strong choices. During their process I had to erase bad choices and make better ones. Bad choices come easy. Good choices are hard. Good choices are ones that rigorously follow the basis of my personal instincts; they are the things that make me know “this is me.” Choosing those “good instincts” has not been easy. I must nurture this practice, this discipline of choosing wisely, choosing correctly. This is not easy. My following good choices has been very slow, back and forth, often taking the easy way before the hard discipline way. I have much work to do.
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