 Drawing 02·21·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 02·20·2021 (state 2), pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 02·13·2021 (state 3), pencil on paper, 16x20 inches These three drawings were begun, re-stated; they are a week's worth of effort. In, out, and about was my journey; two steps forward, one back, two forward. I arrive here. These drawings are keys to my future. I am, more than anything else, an organizer. I need to make real. The reality I seek is available through the process of making art. There is no end-game. There is progress and steady clarification. I am who I am. I am organizing myself as I organize my images. Making clear is most important. These drawings announce my acceptance of a process never to be fulfilled. The journey is exciting, willfully reflective of self-query. I am in the act of becoming, moving with each work of art toward fulfillment.
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 "Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 3), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"}  Drawing 12·18·2020 (state 2), pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Yesterday was a day of alteration toward clarity and better expression. The drawing is a revisit of one from December 18, 2020, the painting is this year's.
 Drawing 01·19·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Being centered, having a focal point, that's a good thing. An investigation requires a place to rest. Focus is a location of rest. Reality's frightening vastness sits wide open during truthful research. Gazing is not a sedentary activity. It is walking across a landscape molded in time. Time includes everything we are, from emotions to intellect. Yesterday's drawing is one more recognition that a safe harbor is essential within every search. The viewer requires the same.
 Drawing 01·17·2021, pencil on paper, 18x24 inches  "In the Lost Negative" (2021 No.2, state 1), oil on canvas, 49¾ x58½ inches {We only live between before we are and what we were. In the lost negative you exist... Three ages in a flash: the same child in the same picture, he, I, you..." - Robert Lowell, "For Sheridan"} These is a change in me. I am more clear on one fact: clarity of purpose is tantamount. When I was a young painter I felt great satisfaction in finding reaction of space and form to one another within the rectangles that are drawings and paintings. Somehow I misplaced that most deep concern, replacing it with the quality of my draftsmanship. Here I am in my objective, becoming young again, These two works, shown today, are a self-call to justice. Be clear, be oneself, return and renew! As Robert Lowell wrote, "Three ages in a flash: the same child in the same picture, he, I, you..." FOR SHERIDAN - Robert Lowell  Drawing 01·03·2021 No.1, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 01·03·2021 No.2, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Right my wrong is process. If I do not try I do not fail, nor do I succeed. I sometimes deluge my drawings with lines and forms. I am looking for directness, direct to self-expression. I come closer to right if I allow myself to feel deeply the appearing image. It is attention that is the problem. Mindfulness is not easily sustained. These two drawings appeared more clearly than those when I muck my feelings by replacing them with muddled technical searches, i.e., looking for compositional soundness, or whatever. These two drawings simply said "yes" to my feelings; I felt my way through them as I was making them. Success is being present, not looking back. Looking at a drawing is looking back, but if executed in mindful clarity it is a revisit to self-expression that is permanent.
 "Stubborn & Egotistical" (2020 No.4, state 10), oil on canvas, 67½x55 inches {"If we've learned anything from the best-selling 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' children's book series, it's that those who see themselves surrounded by idiots are usually idiots themselves." -Jakob Augstein, "Stubborn and Egotistical" (Spiegel Online, 3/25/2013)}  "Clever Liars" (2020 No.1, state 14), oil on canvas, 56½x47½ inches {"Clever liars give details, but the cleverest don't!" - anonymous}  Drawing 01·02·2021, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches The first studio session of 2021 brought completion of these two paintings, both begun in 2020: "Stubborn & Egotistical" and "Clever Liars". Looking back (thankfully), at 2020, reminds the reason for such titles. It was a year dominated by personalities and pandemic. The personalities more or less failed us, altering our society forever; the pandemic more or less devastated us, altering our society forever. We are here now. We work for better days. We proceed with optimism. Better days are coming.
I am optimistic. The two paintings, and the drawing, I show here today, are very good. They are in-your-face personal realism. These images cannot be denied. 2020 was a great conduit for me, leading from relative confusion to realize clarity. I am glad to be here, to be now. FYI: The drawing is mislabeled with date 01·02·2020, It was made yesterday, 01/02/2021. I will change it on the original.  Drawing 11·20·2020, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches The days go by. I work. I see more. I do more. My insights, my memory, my intellect, my connection to my emotional life, all are getting better, stronger, more lucid. This does not mean one masterwork after another are being produced. Everything I make is better than anything I created a year ago, even a month ago. Consistency is a hallmark of mastery.
Yesterday's drawing is excellent. It has fallen back into a complexity that makes me uneasy. When I get to the studio I will place it next to some of the works that make me most comfortable. Comfortable and high quality are not the same. This is me working to get myself all together now.  Drawing 11·12·2020 (state 2), pencil on paper, 20x16 inches This drawing is indicative of the reinvention I am undergoing. It is state 2 of Drawing 11·12·2020. Look back at state 1 of this drawing to see the simplification it has undergone. These changes exude my movement toward more clear, more true; this is me paring down, finding the essence of my emotional and intellectual being.
 Drawing 11·08·2020, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 10·21·2020 (state 2), pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Here I am. I find failure and success in everything I do. Yesterday I revisited the drawing from 10/21/2020 (directly above👆). I made it simpler. I made it more to the point. I am learning that meaninglessness must be removed in order to express accurately. Look back at my blog post of 10/22/2020 to see the earlier version of this drawing. It is obvious; I removed the falderal. Right now, this paring down to true and essential has become my most important work. Then how did I create the drawing at the top today's page? Drawing 11·08·2020 shows the complexity of my thoughts, which are relentless, but (perhaps) distractive, and annoyingly about composition, but not meaning. Simple clarity of expression is most important. Complexity must be abandoned. Complexity occurs when my thinking steers toward pattern, not emotional significance.
 Drawing 10·14·2020, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Problem solving is anything but straightforward. Some say "two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, et cetera..." I say, there is no such clarity in the stepping! When one has a major problem to solve it does not work so easily; the journey is not so decisively forward. I am facing a major problem. This is one that is not going away. I will forever be involved is seeking peace with myself, self-recognition of self-worthiness in the art I make. This is my struggle to solve self-revelation. Yesterday's drawing is a step. Everything I make is a step in my journey that I cannot leave. Looking at today's reproduction I see things I enjoy because they are totally me and mine. At the same time I see success I see failure. Clarity in vision that reflect everything I feel has been diluted by clarity of mark, stroke, value, and form. The technical aspects of making a drawing or painting are many, and must be mastered if one is to express fully and completely. The complexity of self-revelation I seek is gigantic. But, I believe I do not ask too much. I will achieve, I will approach my goal, I do feel it is in reach. This is happening with every step I take. My stepping in the right direction, and knowing it is the right direction, keeps me going. This self-inspiration imbues my relentlessness.
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At MEHRBACH.com you may view many of my paintings and drawings, past and present, and see details about my life and work. Archives
February 2021
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