I am on the go. These drawing are uniquely me. Negative space has become more important, more emotional. Positive space, positive forms, are potently obvious in their intent. There is no hiding behind a plethora of details. These are in your face drawings. No lie, no disguise, no pretense. They are naked and real. I am releasing myself into my work. No longer do I feel lost in my own debatable masquerade.
There ain't nothing like a hound dog! The problem is understanding. What exactly is a hound dog? I do not mean its physical appearance. I mean, what makes a perfect hound dog? It has to be a spiritual thing. The problem I am facing in my painting is this comparison between what is seen and what is actually there. Yesterday's drawing sits with me comfortably in its complexity. But the painting, "2016 No.6", is not sitting comfortably. Today I will take a step toward this painting's simplification. Trial and error is one means to understanding. This is research, after all.
Here I am trying to stay focussed despite an annoying doctor's visit tomorrow. A minor procedure. Still I am thrown off and feel a bit disconnected. I once read Pablo Picasso refused to see a doctor. The inward examination that is making art throws fear into anything which may compromise the activity. In this case there is nothing so serious to alter anything more than a day of my time. I am like the person who always thinks someone is watching them. It is a kind of craziness. An egocentric craziness. Is that not the same requirement as making art?
Of course this all feeds into the problems I am having in the studio. My transition to finding ultimate profundity continues. Yesterday's alteration of the painting "2016 No.6" is a search for depth. The problem I have given myself is compounded by my need to find emotionally instructive forms. Invention is necessary. I am looking by forcing disinformation. I am trying to mislead myself in order to discover validity. I am looking to see something worth hanging onto within the confusion I put in front of me. Not easy in many ways, since a trained hand and eye finds it difficult to create confusion. This woe is a result of good education!
Yesterday's drawing is the opposite of confusion. It is me finding solace in simple forms and a straight forward composition.
Yesterday's art-making was all about taking off, flying, not knowing if I am going to actually get across the big divide, but happy that I am in the air and flying. The painting "2016 No. 2" took an unexpected turn. It was preceded by a drawing, which explores an idea carried into the painting. The foreground figure is in shadow, creating a forefront that allows the viewer to spatially plunge into the rest of the picture. This allows me to push further the artifice of three-dimensional space.
It has happened again! After all my experience it seems I should recognize this cycle! The drawing in my previous post is decrepit and confused. It marked an end of a cycle of creativity. Like gravity waves, this cycle has a long wavelength and has peaks and troughs. Now I am ascending out of a trough. Yesterday surprised with a substantial drawing and first marks on a new canvas. It was a day that lifted my spirits. Out I came from befuddlement and disarray!
Very difficult for me is to admit to cyclical defeat by uncertainty. I go into the studio, knowingly in a muddle. I power on, making a mess of that before me. The question I ask as I trudge is, "Is it better to try with ineptitude, or is it better not to try a all?" Mostly my discipline overwhelms me, so I ineptly hang in there, making bad art. The question I ask continues to have no clear answer.
I was born with an identity, but an identity that I cannot easily perceive. Here I am, finding it. I am slowly unravelling that which is compounded by genetics and experience. I am unscrambling the fusion that is me. But, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle pertains. When I touch, when I comprehend one bit of my identity, I alter everything during the touch. I evolve. Momentum does appear to be the most important element of the drive. The instinct is to continue in the given, the discovered, the unraveling direction. I know I must proceed with questions and caution. I fear self-deception in the same way I fear death. Both death and deception end in the loss of identity.
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