There is no way around it. The only way I am going to save this painting (Untitled-10·20·2013), i.e. make it right, is to destroy the woman and then resurrect her. It is offal the amount of time I have spent on this dead end. But it has taught me the wrongness that is me trying to make the woman work correctly. She was wrong from the very beginning, yet I carried that legacy along. At last I know the truth, or at least I know the lie that she is. Today she will be gone and tomorrow please come back and check here for her replacement. Before I show you the despicable woman as she exists now, let me show you a better drawing of a woman. This drawing was made yesterday before I wasted my time on the woman in the painting. I thought of the drawing as a study for the painting, as preparation for me to re-enter the painting and make the woman in the painting right. The drawing succeeded, then I went back into the painting, bolstered by the success of the drawing, and consequently failed.
The difference between the two images I show today is obvious. The heads in the drawing play well with one another, while those in the painting don't. It is the woman's head in the painting that fails. Yes, in the painting I had a great time getting the minor forms of the woman's head to play with its overall form. Her head fails because I concentrated on this woman's head (without regard to the rest of the painting). I separated her head from her body, and from the two men's heads with which she must play. This is failure that feels like young and naive failure! One great thing about life, and especially painting, is... I get another chance to get it right. This will happen today.
Today's title refers to a mystery. I have loss some readers lately. I admit, at the end of the summer it was a slow time for me. I kept working the same painting, over and over. Perhaps some readers got bored, but I didn't. I was gathering knowledge. Here I am now, and I feel good. The work makes more sense to me every day. It isn't easy being an inquisitive artist, as there are times when the questions asked seem to hold one in place. Those questions needed to be answered. There is no such thing as "living in place." So here I am. I feel I have returned from a journey. Out to the desert of seemingly little growth I went; now I have returned. An enormous amount of knowing has been acquired.
The battle for rightness continues.
The struggle to get it right is becoming extreme. Draw in, rub out, in and out; the same goes for paint or pencil. This is work compelled by failure. I am on a quest for purity and authenticity. There is a rightness felt by intuition that has been nurtured by experience. It is not that simple. It is not that easy. Experience is often misinterpreted, so intuition cannot be fully trusted. There must be (for lack of a better word) a heavenly base of knowing which I am striving to emulate. In my striving to match the heavenly authenticity I mirror a bit of it, but the mirror itself is dirty from the distractions of incorrect information built by years of seeing with limited human vision. This will continue because I cannot let go. I cannot let go because the more I do the more i glimpse truth and correctness. There are open spaces of clarity between the dirty smudges on the mirror. In those clean spaces a bit of true knowing is glimpsed. There is reward in seeing truly, a rush, an emotional high. This is addictive. Because I have seen glimpses of truth I have begun to believe I can know it all. This is foolish. Nevertheless the addiction is strong and bolstered by the reward of each authentic glimpse. I must continue.
Pop goes the dragon of my dreams. This is not easy; it does not come without great effort. I am deeply experiencing an internalized sense to it. This feels like strength to me.
I find myself with little to say. The art-making happening right now is a pirouette manufacturing solidification. We just have to step back, watch and see it happen.
I began a new painting! New at last, thankfully, new at last! Look for it below yesterday's drawing.
There is very little to do to finish this painting. I can tell you I am feeling better about it, but can not tell you I am satisfied. That will never happen. This is why I continue to return to the studio. I'm not there yet, and I accept I never will be there, so I might as well be here. I will be back at it again today.
There is nothing special here today, but tomorrow you will see the near conclusion to the recent painting "Untitled-09·29·2013". I know this because I am writing this after today's work in the studio (I forgot to post this morning). So now I post yesterday's drawing and nothing else... and I am telling you yesterday's drawing is nothing special ― so please come back tomorrow and see something special.
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