I am doing less commentary because my work is speaking more loudly, more clearly. If you look at my last two drawings you will see me finding ground, enjoying the surface as I play with space and time. The forms are few, but very important in defining space.
The biggest pain of living is lapsing into the pain that is time-driven. Acknowledging time makes one want to hurry. Time has an arrow that pokes holes in the present. Holes are absences. Nonexistence is the consequence. Here I am. I have returned to painting Doublethink. Doublethink is appropriately titled because my return brings the baggage of pent-up wanting. Doublethink is in a good place. It is re-educating me. I stepped into it, which is the most difficult part of the journey. It feels like a first step, but it is actually the third step.
![]() "Burnt Norton" (2018 No.8, state 1), oil on canvas, 55.5x66 inches {"What might have been is an abstraction; Remaining a perpetual possibility; Only in a world of speculation. What might have been and what has been point to one end, which is always present. Footfalls echo in the memory." -T.S. Eliot, "Burnt Norton"} T.S. Eliot's Burnt Norton (1935) is one of my favorite poems. "The philosophical basis for the poem can be explained since the discourse on time is connected to the ideas within St. Augustine's Confessions. As such, there is an emphasis on the present moment as being the only time period that really matters, because the past cannot be changed and the future is unknown. The poem emphasizes that memory must be abandoned to understand the current world, and humans must realize that the universe is based on order. The poem also describes that although consciousness cannot be bound within time, humans cannot actually escape from time on their own." (quote from Wikipedia) The relevance of Burnt Norton to my work is great. I struggle to be here, creating myself and my art; I must deal with my past and the past that is art history. Art is like The Law, it is rich with precedent which must be respected, and assimilated, in order to move toward self-understanding and correctness. The first lines of Eliot's Burnt Norton are, "Time present and time past are both perhaps present in time future, And time future contained in time past." Am too ambitious with my Burnt Norton? I left my previous work (Along for Ride) with fear of failure. As I begin my newest painting I simultaneously leave the previous painting. Have I committed Original Sin? I am vainly trying to go places that cannot, must not, be exercised. In my new painting I will stay with the solidly known. I will not stray from my present day truth. To explain this better I quote Wikipedia again: "Eliot believed that Burnt Norton could benefit society. The poem's narration reflects on how humankind is affected by Original Sin, that they can follow the paths of either good or evil, and that they can atone for their sins. To help the individual, the poem explains that people must leave the time-bound world and look into their selves, and that poets must seek out a perfection, not bound by time in their images, to escape from the problems of language." I am not religious; this Original Sin thing is a stretch for me. T.S. Eliot was religious. The concept of Original Sin to me is simple recognition of the deceptive power of previous knowledge, previous success, previous failure. To be successful I must "leave the time-bound world and look into [myself]; [as an artist I] must seek out a perfection not bound by time in [my] images [In order] to escape from the problems of [the images from my past and those of art history]." Yesterday's drawing is much the same. I am trying to codify the pictorial rules of my art. "Although logos is common to all, most people live as if they had a wisdom of their own." Stunning! The arrow returns but returns stronger and with more accuracy. I am hitting my marks! Surprised I am. Always, upon rest and recreation, I return with greater insight and acuity. This should not be surprising. It makes me question my normal, daily habits. Is there an optimum manner to approach art-making? What is the best relationship between rest and activity to acquire maximum insight? The problem is this: I like routine! I enjoy showing up in the studio. I enjoy asking questions and looking for answers. However, as yesterday's success illustrates, solutions may not come easily through unmitigated, daily effort. Internalization is necessary. Internalization is a full brain activity; it takes time. Percolation! The painting Along for the Ride ain't done yet!
Never enough! This is the way I feel about life, time in life, available energy, being human. I creep because that is as fast and as furious as I can go. It makes me wonder about Picasso and Van Gogh. Did they produce more art per day than I? I do not think so. I think, however, they too felt despair over being human with its limitation of time and energy. I love a diagonal in a rectangular composition. I found a few, in yesterday's drawings and in the snow off my porch (see below). The journey continues. I am amazed; I am constantly surprised. My solutions are not discovered immediately, but require a funnel of time to get there. This funnel is a filter, filtering over days, not hours. The painting "2016 No.19" is better now than it was two days ago. This should not surprise me. It does surprise because I did not know the next step till yesterday. Yesterday's drawing is a good one. I am becoming myself. Today I feel awash, as if depleted and incomplete.
Perhaps growth and development is bent and strange and circular, like space-time warped within our intellectual, emotional cavity. Several times I have seen space-time, and time travel, described like a piece of paper that can be folded back upon itself. My mind seems to work this way too. I return, I warp, but always perceive myself as moving forward.
I began a new painting yesterday. This is "2016 No.17". It does not feel revolutionary, but happily summative. That which I know is realized. This is me sitting pretty. I think I am accepting the place I am right now. In getting to know myself I have realized this: My pleasure in knowing something won't last long. I will enjoy it while I can. I believe this painting will spill from me like water from an overfilled pitcher. I am releasing tension, the over-filled container that I am, by simply doing, nice and easy. Unusual and usual. Whatever! The 1, 2, 3 of getting it done is not dictated by an obviously rational order of things. Yet it gets done. There is the immediate and the distant, that which is obvious now and that which will become obvious after extended time and effort. Within the little I know, I know that the work I am doing now is more authentically mine than the work I was doing a month ago. I am becoming myself through work and time. Part of this becoming myself is not clearly work but more clearly acceptance. It is me giving up the fight to come up to the standards set by the masters. It is me accepting my own innate standards, which are surprisingly new and different than anything I know through education and observation. I am, to my surprise, something that has never existed before.
Untitled Drawings-02·08·2015 Nos. 1, 2, pencil on paper, 11X14 inches Compositional play is so important to me that today I continue to show the drawings in "Gallery" format, despite there being only two. This allows you to get the compositional impact first, then, if you choose, you can CLICK upon a reproduction to see it in full screen.
About today's title, I need to explain something to my readers about my artistic development. Twenty-seven years ago I was an artist making Three-Dimentional Abstractions that were getting a lot of notice and critical praise (see some of these at MEHRBACH.com). But I was not making enough money to support myself and my family. I had to go to work. I taught for 22 years. Those years interrupted my natural development as an artist. They were years of happiness, of personal learning, but also of frustration. I grew as a person, but Looking back, the depth of my artistic knowledge seems to have grown slowly, or not at all. I now have enough freedom to, day after day, be in the studio. The last four and a half years have increased my artistic knowledge. I am feeling more competent now than I have for many years. Day-to-day work is necessary to unravel the confusion that is me. My optimism is increasing with every day of self-discovery. I can do this, and perhaps I can get to making the work I was born to make. Time is limited. Loss of time is my biggest fear. I work like an athlete, in my life and in the studio. If I am to succeed, health is primary. I have made things more difficult for myself. I feel nervous and in a hurry, yet unable to rush. The nuances are insistent. My painting is calling for extreme attention to details. For instance, the blocks near the center of painting lack adequate contrast (light versus dark). Today's reproduction of painting Untitled Painting-01·06·2015, and all my reproductions, are imperfect. The more I attend to nuance the further the reproductions remove themselves from reality. Here is another "for instance": the background's rhythmic undulation of flatly drawn, mountain like peaks, moves from Pure Cadmium Orange on the left to Pure Cadmium Red Medium on the right, yet you can not see this in today's reproduction. I tried to get it right, but the complexity of the all the nuances present in this painting forced me to compromise to get this reproduction as close to authenticity as it now appears. There is no full success in reproducing art works on the web or on paper! I am struggling to be open and free, but time is limited and insights are unlimited. What to do? I choose to struggle on. Untitled Drawings-01·25·2015, Nos. 1, 2, 3, pencil on paper, 11X14 inches
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At MEHRBACH.com you may view many of my paintings and drawings, past and present, and see details about my life and work. Archives
March 2023
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