A clarity of purpose is overwhelming me. I am looking with assiduous terror, as if I have just finished my twelfth cup of coffee. Am I mad? Yesterday's drawing is not there yet. No drawing, no painting, will be ever be there yet. But, I can feel myself approaching resolution, a resolution I know will never happen. Is this the definition of madness? I am doing the same thing over and over; the difference between my behavior and madness are the results, they are never the same.
I just keep going along, self-doubting myself into returning to seek meaning in myself. Doubt creates problems to resolve. However, recently things have changed for me. I am respecting my instincts. I follow them. By acting upon instincts I am better at discovering self-truth. The painting, "Seriously?", exhibits more truth now (in state 13) than it did in state 12. Philip Roth's attitude, that work causes self-revelation, has helped me enormously. It is important to find camaraderie in people who have come before; people who have used creativity to find personal reality. I am assured working, experiencing, does unravel truth. Effort is leading me onward, but it is comforting to have a predecessor, a mentor, to tell me this can be done. Again, thank you Philip Roth!
All my images annoy me. There is much work for me to do. The problems are apparent. The problems are overwhelming. Great effort is required. In 2019 I have three exhibitions; two major, one minor. I feel urgency. My acute and insistent need to get it right is not solely due to my upcoming exhibitions; mostly it is due to my sense of not feeling successful. My images have not achieved the depth and profundity I know is possible. The end for me may not be fully achievable, but I believe consistent work will bring me closer to fulfilled significance.
Here are my visual offerings for today. At this moment my need is to visually work, not to explain in writing. Come back tomorrow and see. Perhaps I will have more to say.
Nothing is perfect, but things do get better with effort. The old idiom, "two steps forward, one backward," is apt. And so it goes. Here comes 2017 No.8, but it is surprisingly difficult for me. Difficult because it comes without the joy of fluidity, but with great effort, great thoughtfully slow effort. This is the reason the act of drawing is so important to me. Drawing comes as the wind blows. Drawing, for me, is a force of nature. I working hard to make painting a simple, fluid force in my nature as well. This is what I want. BTW: A Filbert is a type of painting brush, the kind I use exclusively.
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