 "Find a Man" (2021 No.8, state 5), oil on canvas, 55¼x59½ inches, {"When we see a natural style, we are astonished and delighted; for we expected to find an author, and we find a man." -Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), "Pensées", 29 (1670)} Revelations come fast when knowledge is pushed... pitfalls are revealed, limits of knowing hit awareness. This makes for a wearing studio session. Such was yesterday, Here is the result. The painting, "Find a Man", took a definitive turn. This is important.
 Drawing 02·21·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 02·20·2021 (state 2), pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 02·13·2021 (state 3), pencil on paper, 16x20 inches These three drawings were begun, re-stated; they are a week's worth of effort. In, out, and about was my journey; two steps forward, one back, two forward. I arrive here. These drawings are keys to my future. I am, more than anything else, an organizer. I need to make real. The reality I seek is available through the process of making art. There is no end-game. There is progress and steady clarification. I am who I am. I am organizing myself as I organize my images. Making clear is most important. These drawings announce my acceptance of a process never to be fulfilled. The journey is exciting, willfully reflective of self-query. I am in the act of becoming, moving with each work of art toward fulfillment.
 "Stubborn & Egotistical" (2020 No.4, state 7), oil on canvas, 67½x55 inches {"If we've learned anything from the best-selling 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid' children's book series, it's that those who see themselves surrounded by idiots are usually idiots themselves." -Jakob Augstein, "Stubborn and Egotistical" (Spiegel Online, 3/25/2013)}  Drawing 12·29·2020 No.1, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 12·29·2020 No.2, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I feel clear, lucid, like I know what I am about. Here I am. As 2020 comes to a close, among its turmoil and ruin, I am thriving. Let it be!
The works I show today exude me. That is not new. The new is there are three of them. All of them make sense! They came by internalization. They presented to me, and now to you. These are glorious days! Glorious, because, for the moment in the making of these works, the world I inhabit made sense to me. The sense is, indeed, a grasp of nonsense as well. Clarity of nature is acceptance of confusion. The confusion is in the limits of control. The unanswered question is the non-reason that we lack control. I want it to make sense, but much sense is impossible. These artworks accept their limitation; they celebrate acceptance of limited knowledge. Clarity means acceptance. Limitations are pushed hard. As I worked on these I was pushing on my edge of knowing, each touch went a bit further than the last. By pushing the limits I am pushing beyond yesterday's limits, moving the boundary of understanding a bit further with every effort.  Drawing 08·04·2020 No.1, pencil on paper  Drawing 08·04·2020 No.2, pencil on paper Home is where the heart is... that describes my search. I want to be comfortable with my art-making. This is new for me. I have, for years, challenged my own assumptions, my own education, and my learning. I doubted everything I had been told or learned from books and mentors. This brings me here, to today. I am seeking the comforts of home. Thus comes these drawings. Finding a cozy home is not easy. Think about; you live in a home. Is it perfect for you? Like making art, arranging a home to satisfy oneself, to represent oneself, is an ongoing, never-ending process.
 Drawing 07·30·2020 No.1, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 07·30·2020 No.2, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches I will paint today. Unfortunately, the two spaces on my work wall which are available for painting are occupied. Both paintings on the work wall require completion. So, that is today's task. I am inhaling, taking in my knowledge; I feel ready to burst; I need to begin a new painting! The practicality of finishing restricts me; I will hold my breathe, finish at least one of the two paintings on my work wall, then I will blow out strongly; out will come a new painting. The new painting will represent my acquisition of understanding, which (right now) feels very broad, very strong, and very full.
Yesterday's drawings are grandly excellent. I know this. I feel this. Yesterday's drawings exhibit great maturity. I am ready to paint with great maturity. Maturity to me means I know what I am, who I am. It is time to express myself with this newest of feelings.  Drawing 01·28·2020, graphite on paper, 20x16 inches An ancient part of us, a remembrance of things past, is shrouded by current events. Communication between souls requires our most ancient information become accessible, available to be perceived on the surface of our knowing. I strive to make our ancient knowledge as present as that known through the schooling of our intellect. Yesterday's drawing pulls a few triggers, ones that lie beneath the wave that hit the shores of my presence tense. I am diving, dumpster diving, into the food that others have passed off as distractive to their daily lives. I work in hopes of connecting the here and the now with the fullness of all knowing, past and present and the future I find as I walk forward, step by step. Look as you fall into this drawing. Through light and darkness, and because of the pressure that is a spatial drop, join me in seeing more than the simple gift of representational knowledge.
 "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" (2019 No.5, state 9), oil on canvas, 48.5x32.5 inches {"My mind is just like a spin-dryer at full speed; my thoughts fly around my skull... Images gunfire across my consciousness... I jump in awe at the soul-filled bounty of my mind's expanse." -Christopher Nolan, Irish Writer on his reasons for writing "The Eye of the Clock", in November 8, 1987 "Observer"} Methinks this may be done; I am writing about "Gunfire Across My Consciousness", which was started in a flurry of ideas, then bogged into questions with slow answers, and is now coming together in a time of security in knowledge and emotions. I feel good! I believe "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" is a very good painting.
This brings me to the mystery of my creative life. I go through periods when I feel lost, feel very alone; I despair that time and ideas are not great enough. Right now I feel the opposite. I believe I know what I am doing; I just have to show up to get it done. Creativity is cyclical, as are the intellectual and emotional structures in living.  Drawing 09·17·2019 No.1, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 09·17·2019 No.2, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches There is a world out there that I find difficult to understand. Accepting this conundrum instigates my art. I cannot stop myself from trying to understand. I want to understand everything! Of course I fail. I lack time, which translates into enormous gaps in my knowledge. If I knew more would I understand more? This too is a conundrum. My mind may be too pure, thus resistively naïve. The world is a messy place, with minds creating all kinds of tricks to deceive, as well as many minds making an effort to make clean and nice. The collision of these two forces overwhelms me. I like the studio. It is comfortably mine. My studio is inhabited by a mind that I am trying to comprehend. I do believe I am making progress.
Yesterday's drawings (I believe) are progressive. I doubt myself, so today I will return to the studio.  Drawing 03·06·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches You know it when you see it! I knew it when I was doing it! This drawing is a jump in expression of knowledge and emotions. It fits me like a correctly sized glove. It is a hallmark of great things to come. Am I gushing too much? Methinks "No!"
 Drawing 01·19·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Never perfect! Always failure! Always a modicum of success! The next is always better. Examining work is good. Examination informs; it helps me see necessary adjustments; it makes clear the difference between proper notes and those out of tune. I learn. There is a lot to like in yesterday's drawing. Learning is endless. I am on a path; a faithful path to better work.
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At MEHRBACH.com you may view many of my paintings and drawings, past and present, and see details about my life and work. Archives
January 2022
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