 Drawing 10·15·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" (2019 No.5, state 7), oil on canvas, 48.5x31.75 inches {"My mind is just like a spin-dryer at full speed; my thoughts fly around my skull... Images gunfire across my consciousness... I jump in awe at the soul-filled bounty of my mind's expanse." -Christopher Nolan, Irish Writer on his reasons for writing "The Eye of the Clock", in November 8, 1987 "Observer"} Today's title is Wonky. As adjective, wonky is defined as "having or characterized by an enthusiastic or excessive interest in the specialized details of a particular subject or field." I'm obsessed by my quest to discover the subject of my art.
Yesterday's work is full of specialized details, all searching enthusiastically. I am excessively interested in detailed minutia. Every single part on my art pursues mindful visualization. I am getting better at this. Consequently, each mark takes its time, developing slowly, touch by touch, mark by mark. Yesterday's drawing is full of mindful spirit. I approached it as I do meditation. Marks were allowed to dictate their own time coming; they slowly searched, maturing till truth be told. Truth is dictated by intuitive decision-making, only when correctness is perceived do I move on. If I misstep in my journey, erasure is used. Normally methodology is two steps forward, one step back, two forward, et cetera. Not yesterday! The marks came mindfully slow, but the product came more quickly than usual. Mindfulness was more present than ever before. Thus I achieved more in one studio session than usual. I achieved a very good drawing, and I painted well too — both in the same day.
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 Drawing 10·13·2019, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 10·12·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Yesterday's drawing feels familiar; the one from 10/12/2019 feels strange. Both done by the same guy. Both completed yesterday, but one began two days ago. No one can say I am not searching. I get surprised too, you know. The tale told today is one of insecurity. I walk forward, step by unknown step, because I am not sure who I am.
 "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" (2019 No.5, state 6), oil on canvas, 48.5x31.75 inches {"My mind is just like a spin-dryer at full speed; my thoughts fly around my skull... Images gunfire across my consciousness... I jump in awe at the soul-filled bounty of my mind's expanse." -Christopher Nolan, Irish Writer on his reasons for writing "The Eye of the Clock", in November 8, 1987 "Observer"} I control many parts of my life; I do this to support a long lasting and healthy future. Healthy future is supported by good diet, exercise, and financial security. I work hard at each. Control does help in the quest for excellent physical health, but it is not good for excellent art-making.
Art making is spiritual. I am interested making art rich in spirit. True Spirit means making real my deepest nature. My deepest nature is intellect and emotions; an immense blend of stuff that sings my truths, my wishes, my angst, and my fears. Some might call this personality, but I must qualify: external personality does not always speak the truths hidden in the more complex, internal personality. In making-art I am trying to make real my internal personality. Succeeding in this endeavor means displaying reality. I struggle to be free, I struggle to make real. My internal personality is a bus-load of stuff. The bus needs to crash through the barrier. It is my job to make what I know into what I see. Allowing the crash, allowing the barrier to be destroyed, is letting go of controls, lying down the barrier, making real, allowing the bus load of stuff to empty into view. Yesterday I took one small step. I allowed the paint to go on canvas in surges of truth-making. I sought seeing reality in front of me. The barrier was less than before.  Drawing 10·10·2019, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" (2019 No.5, state 5), oil on canvas, 48.5x31 inches {"My mind is just like a spin-dryer at full speed; my thoughts fly around my skull... Images gunfire across my consciousness... I jump in awe at the soul-filled bounty of my mind's expanse." -Christopher Nolan, Irish Writer on his reasons for writing "The Eye of the Clock", in November 8, 1987 "Observer"} This activity of living, and of making art, is done well if understood as escape. There are many brambles and bushes and impediments in one's path to enlightenment. Escaping is cutting away the cage that surrounds oneself. This cage exists because one's experience is predicated on a world full of righteous ideas; ideas that must not be trusted; ideas that have not been tested; ideas that have been accepted by minds both good and bad. Self-discovery is separation of the trustworthy from the bogus.
I burst into the making of yesterday's drawing desperate for escape. I began it as no other beginning. That beginning is buried in the rubble that is now this drawing. This is what is left after an intense struggle to be free of my past. Did I succeed? Somewhat, yes! Completely, no! It is a good drawing. It is a step in a direction that makes sense to me. Incomplete the journey must remain. My painting challenged my norms as well. I am moving, although the progress is slow and uneven. I reward myself with the idea that I have made progress.  Drawing 10·09·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 10·08·2019 state 2, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches The resemblances of these two drawings, one from two day's ago and yesterday's, begs me to ask about amnesia. I forget and I remember, then I forget again. This rotation of remembered ideas is useful. All is new if one forgets the past. Surprise is one of the great animators to living the good life. Both drawings play against a white ground, like forms silhouetted by a bright sky. More important to me is spatial navigation. The drawing from two days ago is shown for the second time; it has been updated — this is state 2. It is better than state 1; the spatial force is stronger. A simple change was made: The intersection of the cross-like form connects in a different manner than in the original. I felt this idea needed further exploration. Yesterday's drawing sprung from this query; it immediately followed the fix of the drawing from 10/8/2019. Amnesia was partially at work; I did not wish this. Residue in the mind becomes the element of the question that is answered in the newest work. I would not have followed this path if I had remembered my intentions for that day. I had intended to risk everything, to surprise myself without questioning, simply going for new answers. I failed, but I succeeded by makings a drawing different than I had imagined upon my entering the studio. The best path is found if one steps without knowing exactly where one goes.
 Drawing 10·08·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches I seem to go back and forth. Sometimes I burst into the void, acting in complete doubt. Other times I begin with an idea I wish to explore. The latter was yesterday's modus operandi. The result I find secure, but not grandly exciting, nothing to make me scream, "Revelation!" The consequence is this: in my first drawing today, I will challenge everything I know.
 Drawing 10·05·2019, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Showing up is not enough. Recognition of appropriate spirit in the work is most important. This includes stepping back when proper insight in unavailable. There is an ebb and flow to self-comprehension, self-availability, self-intuition, and self-awareness. Recognizing this through the process of art making is the process of recognizing days of clarity and insight versus days of muddle and muck. Fortunately, though work, by showing up, day after day after day, the days with lack of clarity are few. I believe this to be true, but I also acknowledge there are days when I believe I am doing great things until I come in the next day, then I acknowledge more failure than success. This is the reason I believe in two steps forward followed by one step backward. Backward may be the wrong term, because failures lead to introspection, learning, insight; the stuff that guides to success.
Yesterday's drawing was filled with stepping back to query. I kept asking myself, "Does that make sense?" There are parts of this drawing on the edge of believability, like the circle-like shadowing seen in the right side of the drawing. The shadowing lies behind, and within, forms that produce an area of juxtaposition to the rest of the drawing's forms. It works spiritually. Is that enough?  "Gunfire Across My Consciousness" (2019 No.5, state 4), oil on canvas, 48.5x31 inches {"My mind is just like a spin-dryer at full speed; my thoughts fly around my skull... Images gunfire across my consciousness... I jump in awe at the soul-filled bounty of my mind's expanse." -Christopher Nolan, Irish Writer on his reasons for writing "The Eye of the Clock", in November 8, 1987 "Observer"}  Drawing 10·04·2019, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches My last month or two have seen me querying myself, my motives, the good and the bad of what I have done, the efficacy of my self-rebellion, and my talent. Suddenly I don't care. I am here. This is a good place. I will do it. I will make art. I will follow myself into the abyss or not, i.e., This is acceptance. I am full into the journey; I will go where my unknown path leads me.
Yesterday my work had the spirit of self-confidence. I acted with resolution and with knowledge. This is not a judgement on the quality of the work, but on the value of doing what I am doing. A value that is personal, that is mine. My making-art felt centered and mindful, and it looks good from here. Nice!  Drawing 10·03·2019, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Working to know is as effortful as working to un-know. Actually, if knowing is accomplished, then one un-knows at the same time. I have thrown out many misconceptions. My art is stronger for it. My current art is the best I have done, and it is getting better, effort by effort by effort. Art-Making is not relaxing; more like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the mountain. However, it is two steps forward for every one step backward. There is a difference between me and Sisyphus; I am getting closer to the top of the mountain.
Yesterday's drawing is strong. It was found through finding and destroying, marking then weeding out the errors. Errors, when identified, are intellectually definable. The same goes for truth. You know it when you see it, then you can explain it.  "Sentence" (2019 No.4, state 10), oil on canvas, 38.5x62.5 inches {"And you’d spend years trying to decipher the sentence, until finally you’d understand it. But after a while you’d realize you got it wrong, and the sentence meant something else entirely." - Tadeusz Dąbrowski, from the poem "Sentence"} I can feel more than I can see. Yes, you can see the alterations I made to the painting, "Sentence". The changes are great and wonderful, but they are not as starkly in revolt as I know intuitionally inside myself. I am welling up, like a water ballon on verge of explosion. But, I am loyal too. Taking on a civil war is difficult for me. I want change. I need to rebel against my establishment, but the rebellion cannot happen instantaneously; that is not the way I am. I act with discomfort and allegiance. The two are not incompatible. I have a past, I have a future. Both must be understood. I am the caretaker of both. The future does not divulge itself without its past. The past is full of deeds — some successes, some failures — ALL informative. The ALL drives me into the knowing required to act well, right here, right now.
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October 2019
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