 "Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 7), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"}  Drawing 02·23·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I wish it were easier. Always I wish for the same thing, easy. Never do I get it. This is work. This is effort. This is stepping strong, succeeding some of the time, failing often. The moments of success, at least the moments of "feeling successful," drive me to return and try again. While organizing the reproduction of yesterday's drawing for posting here, I felt failure. It did not sing the way I believed it had during yesterday's studio process. Did I go wrong? If my steps be honest and true, there is no wrong, there is just journey.
Yesterday's studio work fell short of my ambition. That's OK. It has informed me. I return today to make better.
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 Drawing 02·05·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  "Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 6), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"} I have many fears. One of my biggest is fear of falling short on exhibiting the sophistication of my emotions and intellect. I do not want to compromise sophistication for clarity. If I get too sophisticated, I fear I will confuse, rather than elucidate. Yesterday I took a step toward making clarity and sophistication occur simultaneously. These two works exhibit clarity of intellect and emotions AND sophistication of intellect and emotions. There is a tie that internally binds the images into one clear piece of information, while also allowing sophisticated data and information to be exhibited. These feel a proper step to me.
 "Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 5), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"}  Drawing 01·30·2021 No.1, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 01·30·2021 No.2, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches There are many ways to approach the emotional energy in a rectangular work of art. I am trying one after the other, looking for robust reflection of my feelings. It is a game. I am challenging my ability to make real the stuff I feel and know. This is research. Try one thing, then another. Take a couple steps forward, then a failure. React to failure. Take another step, hopefully forward. With time and energy, I am getting closer. Success is translating my knowing, my feeling, into the physical image I am making. Look at yesterday's work. Each one is a step in the right direction. Are they fully successful? That feeling of being near, but incomplete, is the reason I return. The success I am experiencing is this: I feel closer to making real that which I know and feel.
 Drawing 01·21·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches There is a lot in a little, and vice versa. I must be careful. Muck can overwhelm. Muck can distract. Confusion reigns if the the simplest of truth telling is not sustained. Yesterday's drawing allows the viewer to engage with a simple rectangle within a rectangle. This engagement occurs despite it being built with a complex web. I believe yesterday's drawing tells a proper story.
 Drawing 01·15·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I found yesterday's first drawing uninteresting. I found yesterday's second drawing close to greatness. Both fail to complete. Both left mew with questions. The first a terrible amount of questions. The second, only a few. Today's drawing answers the questions posed by yesterday's second drawing. It pares down to the second drawing's essentials. I find today's drawing exceptional.
 Drawing 01·06·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Yesterday's studio session began with this drawing. I completed it. Then I had to go throw my garbage away at the town dump. On the way, I turned on the car's radio. A virulent, and violent, onslaught on the capital building had begun. Our republic's center was being attacked by supporters of a very sick man. His followers were doing the ask of this very sick man. This was familiar to him, and to all of us, but its intensity surprised the rational minds in our society. This very sick man has continually asked his cult-like followers to do his dirty work, the work required for him to acquire power and money. Yesterday's turmoil was a quick burn, but it mirrored this very sick man's entire life. This was abnormal, this mongrel horde pushing our democratically elected leaders out of our society's designated safe place to manage our country, in peace and in war.
Yesterday morning, I entered my studio feeling very positive, in control of my personal ambitions and struggles. That felt right and good. Then midday turmoil distracted me, lasting into the night, as our country struggled to get back to the rational task of governance. Today I feel good again. It appears more people today see clearly, and correctly, then yesterday. My drawing, here, shows insight into the play of space I wish to make fully embrace with my intellect and my emotions. I will return to the studio today. Today I will struggle more, I will work toward my ambition of complete self-expression.  Drawing 10·30·2020 No.1, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 10·30·2020 No.2, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches The more I do the more I am in touch with myself. This is more true now than ever before. Therefore, no comments on the drawings I show you today; instead, out I go to the studio. Simple, I want to do more, to make more art.
 Drawing 10·28·2020 No.1, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 10·28·2020 No.2, pencil & graphite on paper, 16x20 inches I feel better about No.2, compared to No.1, when I look at these two drawings. My progress is slow. I am working toward truth, fullness, and efficacy in my art. In their making, yesterday's drawings felt stilted, as if I was a bit out of touch with my intentions. The authenticity of these, in terms of real self-expression, is in question. I call these two steps, these two drawings, indefinite. Sometimes my work is simply work. It is doing something I cannot define. As accomplishments, I do not feel good about these drawings. These drawings fill the paper, but I am unsure what I have learned in doing them. I do believe all work is good if greatly pursued. Therefore, these drawings must be good.
 Drawing 10·25·2020 No.1, graphite & pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 10·25·2020 No.2, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 10·25·2020 No.3, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches These drawings please me; they are going the right direction. I can feel their truthfulness.
 Drawing 10·21·2020, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches The drama and solidity of this composition tells me, "I am here! Here, at last!" Getting to the here and the now, with complete honesty as the tag, makes this moment real. It has not come easy. Can I sustain it? Why not? Philip Guston sustained it, and he was no less human than I. This is the most important part of Guston's mentoring. If not for Philip I could not have understood this as the most important component of making art.
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At MEHRBACH.com you may view many of my paintings and drawings, past and present, and see details about my life and work. Archives
February 2021
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