 Drawing 10·17·2020 No.1, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 10·17·2020 No.2, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches I cannot stop myself from seeing necessary improvements in everything I do. I am obsessed by bettering my communication via my images. Both of these drawings are very good, but they also fail to fully realize the depth I know I can reach if I just keep reaching for it.
The top drawing would have been better with a simple twist of space, i.e., it would have been more potent if the meandering frontal form slide its top behind the lighter-valued snake-like form, but remaining in front of the pole-like form. I will fix that today. I will show it to you tomorrow. The bottom drawing will remain the same. It is a prelude to many more sliding-down-hill compositions, like landscapes in peril of disappearing into the sea.
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 Drawing 10·16·2020 No.1, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 10·16·2020 No.2, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 10·16·2020 No.3, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  Drawing 10·16·2020 No.4, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Deciphering truth is living with circumstances. These drawings are boldly without guile, thus bold questions that are answered as possibilities; there is success and there is failure. These are things unresolved. These drawings are clues to a better tomorrow. Here, in front of you, are emotional and intellectual questions. All of them are accepted as research. That is, here are serious steps toward a better and more lucid reflection upon myself and my self-expression. Come what may, these are exercises in behaving well.
 Drawing 10·14·2020, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Problem solving is anything but straightforward. Some say "two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, et cetera..." I say, there is no such clarity in the stepping! When one has a major problem to solve it does not work so easily; the journey is not so decisively forward. I am facing a major problem. This is one that is not going away. I will forever be involved is seeking peace with myself, self-recognition of self-worthiness in the art I make. This is my struggle to solve self-revelation. Yesterday's drawing is a step. Everything I make is a step in my journey that I cannot leave. Looking at today's reproduction I see things I enjoy because they are totally me and mine. At the same time I see success I see failure. Clarity in vision that reflect everything I feel has been diluted by clarity of mark, stroke, value, and form. The technical aspects of making a drawing or painting are many, and must be mastered if one is to express fully and completely. The complexity of self-revelation I seek is gigantic. But, I believe I do not ask too much. I will achieve, I will approach my goal, I do feel it is in reach. This is happening with every step I take. My stepping in the right direction, and knowing it is the right direction, keeps me going. This self-inspiration imbues my relentlessness.
 "Your Decisions Matter" (2020 No.2, state 8), oil on canvas, 54x55½ inches {"It's essential that you believe as if your decisions matter... reality isn't important; what's important is your belief..." - Ted Chiang, "Exhalation", 2019}  Drawing 08·29·2020, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Returning to the past and coming back again reminds there is no way home. Home is always and never. Only discomfort is available. Time future and time past are irrelevant to time present. Everything I make appears to be on the verge of becoming satisfactory. Satisfaction is impossible. I am compelled to return to action; my quest for fulfillment is endless. I want contentment; I want to make real the idea of who I am. Failure is the only option. Gratification is a carrot; I run but never obtain.
The works I show you today are steps in the right direction. My direction is clear. The endpoint, the goal, the destination, will never be obtained. Appeasement does not work either. Ask Winston Churchill not Neville Chamberlain.  Drawing 07·09·2020 No.1, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches  Drawing 07·09·2020 No.2, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I do not feel good about the drawings. Something is amiss. They do not fit me well; they feel like ill-fitting clothes; too tight here, too loose there. These are not images I wish to project when out and about. These drawings do not illustrate me!
What do I want? I want to simplify my simple self. I need to make clear my feelings and intellect. These drawing muddy the waters that are my living blood. I want to be deep arctic seawater on a clear blue-skied day: crystalline blue, full of life, cool, pleasant enough to be inviting, straight forward enough to be understandable in intellect and in emotion.  Drawing 05·17·2020, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Great art is achieved more from continuity of effort than from talent. I have experienced many talented artists, but only a few achieve great art. Achievement of greatness happens because the route to success is long in thought, long in trial and error, long in failure, sporadic with the exhilaration of success. The drawing shown today is too complex for me. Better were the drawings that were shown in yesterday's blog post. There is high exhibition of talent in the drawing I show today, but it does not stimulate viewer engagement; it requires too much from the viewer, just as it required too much for me to make it real. It does exhibit great talent in drawing; space, form, light, compositional integrity, they are all present. This drawing fails because it lacks immediacy of purpose, which means it lacks immediacy of viewer involvement. I will require a lot of time, energy, and great effort to make real the great art I envision. I am committed to the long run.
 Drawing 04·29·2020, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Cultural references are inevitable. Personal references are inevitable. Visual experiences inevitably surface in my art. Art-making is the act of past and present becoming one; it is similar to meditation. Like meditation, art-making accepts the unresting mind. My art encompasses all I have seen, all I know. Internalization surfaces as external images.
Yesterday's drawing holds many keys, each opens a passage to the experiential. Revisiting my experiences, trying to make sense of them, is unending. I can see this process in yesterday's drawing. I am inspired, I am energized, little clues were unraveled. Effort pays dividends. There is no such thing as failure; a lack success teaches the choice that must be made in order to succeed.  Drawing 04·05·2020, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches Yesterday's drawing combines many of my interests, from round to flat to three-dimensional artifice to compositional carry-through to light and energy to contrast in value and form. The 3D deception is robust. Formally, this is a success, but is it an emotional success? I worry it feels more an intellectual achievement than a grand display of all things me, i.e., emotions and intellect. Not to worry; this is merely a step along to way to all-inclusiveness.
 "Something Else Entirely" (2019 No.4, state 22), oil on canvas, 38.5x62.5 inches {"And you’d spend years trying to decipher the sentence, until finally you’d understand it. But after a while you’d realize you got it wrong, and the sentence meant something else entirely." - Tadeusz Dąbrowski, from the poem "Sentence"} I wish this was easier. Being patient is painful. Waiting for revelation and realization distracts and annoys. I am required to bear it. Being mortal, having a limited time to get it done, worries me. This is constant. Revelation is also constant. The requisite activity is showing up, being awake and aware, reacting to truth and failure until satisfaction and fulfillment are achieved.
Yesterday's revelation is state 22 of "Something Else Entirely" (2019 No.4). It took a jump toward fulfillment by becoming atmospherically consistent. It is now close to completion. In fact, looking at it here, in reproduction, makes me feel warm with success. State 22 of "Something Else Entirely" is something else entirely from state 21. It has started making sense.  "Something Else Entirely" (2019 No.4, state 19), oil on canvas, 38.5x62.5 inches {"And you’d spend years trying to decipher the sentence, until finally you’d understand it. But after a while you’d realize you got it wrong, and the sentence meant something else entirely." - Tadeusz Dąbrowski, from the poem "Sentence"} "Something Else Entirely" has been very difficult for me. I feel I have encountered my evil within. This painting is in state 19, and it is NOT complete! Seeing my evil within is seeing the habits that have distracted me from reality. As I make this painting I am unearthing my faults, encountering my bad habits, seeing the manner in which I fall into erroneous steps while in process. Putting it more positively, because of this painting I have grown more truthful; I have thrown faults into the trash bin; I have accepted a more lucid view of reality. The painting, "Something Else Entirely", is much better now than it was before I worked on it yesterday. Also, I am much better. Honest reflexion upon my failures is the best means to comprehend truth and reality.
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October 2020
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