 "Tonstant Weader Fwowed Up" (2021 No.10, state 5), oil on canvas, 46¾x61¾ inches, {"And it is that word 'hummy', my darlings, that marks the first place in 'The House at Pooh Corner' at which Tonstant Weader fwowed up." - Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), in "The New Yorker", 20 October 1928, reviewed by Dorothy Parker as "Constant Reader"} I am certainly not coming through the front door on this one. A roundabout is happening. I am journeying through mud and muck, yet I am optimistic; the crap will dry on my shoes, the detritus will fall off, I will discover a better, cleaner home to live in.
The painting, "Tonstant Weader Fwowed Up", may have a humorous title, but it is in the midst of a deadly serious journey. My path is not assured. I am working hard. I know I will get to a better place. Today is a brand new day.
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 "Measure Anew" (2021 No.9, state 02), oil on canvas, 54½x54⅛ inches, {"I had become a new person; and those who knew the old person laughed at me. The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor: he took my measure anew every time he saw me, whilst all the rest went in with their old measurements and expected them to fit me." -George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "Man and Superman" (1903)} All that is new is old. Old can be renewed. I am becoming myself. This new painting. "Measure Anew", is a significant milestone on my journey of at least 36865 days. Nowhere near the end I am. Renewed is my sense of play. For years I go without play. Instead I search in quandary and pain. Then, suddenly, I awake. I find my true path again. This is me now.
 Drawing 09·21·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches My work in this world is pushing, shoving, digging, unearthing. I work, I seek, I find. I believe I am getting better, better all the time, because I am better at following clues, following my nose. Bit by bit I unearth truth revealed as circumstance; each circumstance is built on years of my experiential living, and years of work by those who came before. I am a participant in a cultural revelation, which sometimes feels like a cultural revolution. I do believe we can become who we are meant to be. This journey is instigated by a destination unrealized. I have found a foundation. My work is to construct upon that foundation, one block at a time, one step at a time. Today I give you one step along my way.
 "Honorable Terms" (2021 No.7, state 4), oil on canvas, 52x57⅞ inches, {"The roots of reason are imbedded in feelings — feelings that have formed and accumulated and developed over a lifetime of personality-shaping. These feelings are not a source of weakness but a resource of strength. They are not there for occasional using but are inescapable. To know what we think, we must know how we feel. It is feeling that shapes belief and forms opinion. It is feeling that directs the strategy of argument. It is our feelings, then, with which we must come to honorable terms." - James E. Miller, Jr., "Word, Self, Reality: The Rhetoric of Imagination" (1972)} I am in simple mode, dedicated to centered mindfulness. I am potently aware of my task. Awareness has place me on a path of enhancement, step by step. Actually, this feels more like journey by continuum, not click by click stepping. This relatively simple painting, "Honorable Terms", reflects the simplicity of the idea that has become my mindful journey. This painting is aptly titled for this moment in my present tense mindset.
 "Gonna Speak to the Crowd" (2021 No.5, state 6), oil on canvas, 62¾x57⅜ inches, {"I'm gonna spare the defeated — I'm gonna speak to the crowd. I'm gonna spare the defeated, boys, I'm going to speak to the crowd. I am goin' to teach peace to the conquered. I'm gonna tame the proud." - Bob Dylan, "Lonesome Day Blues" (2001)} I am marching, step by step, trying to keep in proper step with myself. Yesterday's work done on the painting "Gonna Speak to the Crowd", is an example. This is me seeking good footing, seeking security with each step I take. Is each step perfect, correct, secure? No, not at all; each step does seek security, correctness. I step and listen; there it is, my personal response: good, bad, right, wrong, or questionable. If questionable, I have but one option; I must step again in that direction. I must further explore the deed just done.
 "The Opposite of Indifference" (2021 No.4, state 14), oil on canvas, 54x51 inches, {"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. Because of indifference one dies before one actually dies. To be in the window and watch people being sent to concentration camps or being attacked in the street and do nothing, that's being dead. His or her neighbor are of no consequence. Their hidden or visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the Other to an Abstraction." - Elie Wiesel, "US News & World Report" (27 October 1986)}  Drawing 06·27·2021, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches The end of a painting occurs when the creative experience is satiated. Any further participation is a waste on creativity. Such is the position of the painting, "The Opposite of Indifference" (2021 No.4). I move on. Thus came yesterday's drawing. Experimentation in pursuit of a higher degree of immediate self-expression is in this drawing. I have many steps to take before satisfying my journey. Actually, satisfying a life's journey looks to be impossible, from my perspective.
BTW: That form that twists to the right, out from behind the rectangular pole, should have ended in a similar form, but one much larger. That would have made it a better drawing. Perhaps I will change that tomorrow.  "The Opposite of Indifference" (2021 No.4, state 10), oil on canvas, 54x51 inches, {"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. Because of indifference one dies before one actually dies. To be in the window and watch people being sent to concentration camps or being attacked in the street and do nothing, that's being dead. His or her neighbor are of no consequence. Their hidden or visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the Other to an Abstraction." - Elie Wiesel, "US News & World Report" (27 October 1986)}  Drawing 06·12·2021, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches Here I exhibit two works, two steps as I acknowledge centering a composition is necessary to demand viewer attention. The drawing uses negative space more fully than positive space. Is it fully successful? Does it capture your attention? You be the judge. I call it an ardent step in the right direction!
 Drawing 06·04·2021, pencil on paper, 20x16 inches  "The Opposite of Indifference" (2021 No.4, state 07), oil on canvas, 54x51 inches, {"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference. Because of indifference one dies before one actually dies. To be in the window and watch people being sent to concentration camps or being attacked in the street and do nothing, that's being dead. His or her neighbor are of no consequence. Their hidden or visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the Other to an Abstraction." - Elie Wiesel, "US News & World Report" (27 October 1986)} There is a central core to be found. Seeking truth is my journey. Here are a couple more steps in my trek. In these works you can see a kernel of truth being unwrapped. It is peeking out. The kernel is winking in pleasure, asking you to recognize... I am here!
 Drawing 05·19·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I can smell it. I am not there yet. Like a dog, I am relentless till I unearth it. It will never be enough. One bone will never satisfy. One bone gets eaten, another is necessary. This is the path I am on. This drawing is one step.
 "Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 7), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"}  Drawing 02·23·2021, pencil on paper, 16x20 inches I wish it were easier. Always I wish for the same thing, easy. Never do I get it. This is work. This is effort. This is stepping strong, succeeding some of the time, failing often. The moments of success, at least the moments of "feeling successful," drive me to return and try again. While organizing the reproduction of yesterday's drawing for posting here, I felt failure. It did not sing the way I believed it had during yesterday's studio process. Did I go wrong? If my steps be honest and true, there is no wrong, there is just journey.
Yesterday's studio work fell short of my ambition. That's OK. It has informed me. I return today to make better. |
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December 2021
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