I am waking up earlier. I am more anxious than ever. I am getting closer to finding an accommodating approach, but I am not there yet. I am not making works which allow me to feel comfortable. Perhaps this will go on forever, but I feel my anxiety is great, right now, because I am in a mode of testing directions. I do not know what suit to put on. I am not lost, but I am not found. When I do one thing well there is another thing I do not so well. My skills can be high one day and questionable the next. I want to be someplace. I know I have the ability to get there, but I am not there. I also feel I am on the verge of excellence. Being on the verge is the root of anxiety. Yesterday tells this story as well as any day. My warm-up drawing exhibits characteristic confusion. Then there is the painting. "Woman with Flowers" is so wet with oil as to be nearly unmanageable in construction of the details I wish to explore. I was able to relate forms better than in the version shown in the previous post, but new awkward forms appeared. I am not sure I like the version I show today better than the one shown yesterday. And so it goes. I am in the midst of a revolution, and I am both the preserver of tradition and the agent of change.
Two days ago: Nothing. Yesterday: One warm-up drawing, and work on "Woman with Flowers." When I am out of the studio for a day I go back in with a charge. The one drawing shows this. For what was intended as warm-up for my work on "Woman with Flowers," this drawing is well developed and finished nicely. I walked into the studio a few minutes ago to turn up the heater and to warm the studio for the day. Yesterday I left the studio thinking I liked the overall look of "Woman with Flowers." I was surprised this morning to find the head too large. In reproduction the head does not appear as incongruent as I felt it was in this morning's viewing. I has not intended to paint on "Woman with Flowers" today, because it is so damn wet and slimly with oil paint, but now I think I must revisit the head. I do feel I need a day away from this painting to assess it. If I change anything in "Woman with Flowers" today I will post a photo of it tomorrow.
There is a painting by Picasso of 1905 called "Young Girl with a Basket of Flowers." I have not seen the original, and its appearance in reproductions varies greatly. One of those reproductions I think charming. I decided to do my version of this painting because I require a simple format to experiment with my present need to research a way to express via emotive form. I began this painting yesterday and will call it "Woman with Flowers." Like the Picasso, I intend to concentrate on the figure and not so much on her environment, i.e. keep it simple. I will show you version #1 with a caution: This painting is going to change as I search to create forms which have emotional content. I do not mean LOUD emotions. I am looking for subtle truth. Before I show you the drawing from yesterday I need to tell you I will have very limited time in the studio today. I have meetings and may have just enough time to make one drawing. I want to go right back into the new painting, but realize I am going to have to wait. Frustrating! You and I are will have to wait for the next turn in "Woman with Flowers," as disagreeable as that may seem.
The drawing I made yesterday was truly a "warm-up" for "Woman with Flowers." I do not like this drawing very much, but I will show it any way, as it is instructive as to my approach. Displaying this drawing also fulfills my promise to show you all things completed in the studio ("the good, the bad, and the ugly"). I stretched a new 38 X 50 inch canvas and I am ready to begin a new painting. I realize I have left many loose ends behind (paintings which are solved but need to be finished). I have made a goal to complete these unfinished paintings by the new year. In the meantime I am in the middle of an investigation based upon my intense interest in bending the human figure and physiognomy into forms which are emotively expressive. I want to see how much I can communicate through structural analysis and invention. Rather than try and describe this present interest in words I will now show you the drawing I made yesterday.
I made two drawings. A couple days ago I wrote about exhaustion and my fight back. Well, yesterday was a low volume day because much energy had been consumed the prior day. Still, I had something to prove to myself. Could I make reasonably adequate drawings despite my being tired? I wanted to know if what I perceived as a new level of comprehension from last week's insights were actually entrenched within me. I am happy with the drawings I made yesterday. The second does exhibit some fatigue, but the first has a marvelously inventive figure sliding in on its right side. This figure alone was worth the price of admission. Here are my drawings from yesterday:
Yesterday I wrote of misdirection. I was actually writing about an old bad habit. I exhaust myself, then relax into production of poor, useless work. I attacked this habitual problem by making four drawings. I needed to prove I could remain attentive and aware through work after work. I practiced staying true during execution. I believe I have finally adjusted myself away from habitually repetitive misdirection. One after the other I made drawings in harmony with my basic instincts, not losing track due of exhaustion. Time will tell if I have succeeded in raising my awareness to a new level which will not be lowered when I tire.
What does this mean to my art? In drawings, which have no color, shapes and forms make the composition. Each must be created in simultaneous awareness of ight, form, and shape, and each in a robust and expressive manner. Composition means nothing if it does not animate with an expressive structure. In my case the forms wthin the structure tend to be human figures, but not exclusively. All four drawings made yesterday took on this call for duty. You can judge if they succeeded. I am happy. My newest painting, "The Talisman," was exhilarating in process. My entire 6 hours of painting on 12/09/10 felt good and right. Yesterday, I went into the studio, looked at "The Talisman" and loved its direction. Then I sat down to draw and immediately misdirected myself. The first drawing came out stilted and looked like something I would have made a year ago without any of the painstaking found insights I have acquired. A visitor to studio said she liked the woman on the right. I agree, it is the man in this drawing who is so stilted that he painful to see. The woman was drawn after the man, as I was fighting my way back to full awareness. Overall the drawing is a failure. Here it is... Out of disgust I immediately began a second drawing. I was not going to touch "The Talisman" in my present state of misdirection. I began the drawing before the visitor and finished it afterwards. It was a quicker drawing than the first; fighting back I was more on task. This drawing is better. Here it is... I never got around to painting. This was a good thing. Despite the confusion of the day it was a very important day. By moving into the second drawing, and reacting to the discomfort of the misdirection in the first drawing, I established an approach which feels correct. This is a great example of failure leading to success. I firmly believe in this part of the process. When a New York Times reporter asked Thomas Edison about his efforts to produce a long lasting light bulb he replied, "I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work." And so it goes with my efforts to make art of great personal substance.
Yes, that is correct. I have changed my newest painting's title to "The Talisman." This title harks back into modern art. Paul Serusier made a painting in the late 19th century while working within a group of artist called the "Les Nabis." This group included one of my influences, the painter Paul Gauguin. The term "Les Nabis" was coined by the poet Henri Cazalis who drew a parallel between the way these painters aimed to revitalize painting (as prophets of modern art) and the way the ancient prophets had rejuvenated Israel. Possibly the nickname arose because "most of them wore beards, some were Jews and all were desperately earnest." My painting is now called "The Talisman" for three reasons. Reason #1: This painting signals a new approach. Throughout the process I comprehended the painting as a unified ensemble. In other words, I had global comprehension of form, color, and composition, simultaneously. In terms of process, this is a very important "talisman." Perhaps I should call it totem because the definition of this thesaurus word for talisman fits this painting better ("a natural object or animal believed by a particular society to have spiritual significance and adopted by it as an emblem"). Reason #2: It harks back to a very important painting in art history. Paul Serusier's painting was called "The Talisman" by Les Nabis because it was the first bold departure in the direction the group would endorse, where natural forms were painted in colorful large fields. Paul Gauguin used this structure in his painting for the rest of career. Reason #3: I think the dude in the middle is a talisman for the couple in the painting. Here is an image of Paul Serusier's painting "The Talisman." And here is my warm-up drawing from yesterday:
I will not write much today. I will go to studio as soon as possible and keep working. I post a new painting and one new drawing. In the drawing I like the woman's head but find the man's head poorly formed. The painting is difficult to read in its initial stages. I post this first impulse so we can compare it to the more developed stages to come. This is very useful to me. Staying with simple titles, this painting will be identified as "Three People."
And so it goes. I have not painted in several days. The drawing I show today is one of my best. Yesterday I completed stretching the 38 X 50 inch canvas. It sits on my painting wall, stark and white. Look here tomorrow for the new painting.
|
To read my profile go to MEHRBACH.com.
At MEHRBACH.com you may view many of my paintings and drawings, past and present, and see details about my life and work. Archives
April 2024
|