Thus it begins. I have accepted an idea true to me. This is about symbolic representation as important to energizing my deepest self. I accept it, my images may mystify some viewers, but no matter how perplexing, puzzling, convoluted, mystifying, and unaccountable it may look to some, this is core me. I must do it. The new painting, "Crevice", is such consequential image.
The trend appearing in my work is me grabbing onto meaningful forms residing in meaningful space. I go into into that invented place in order to find meaning and personal truth. This makes sense to my deeper self. It is me recognizing my personal, idiosyncratic wholeness. Yesterday's drawing is a step toward acceptance. In this drawing I see truth in forms and truth in their spatial residence; these entities, and their space and place, reflect personal recognition of reality.
"Four Definitions" (2022 No.2, state 03), oil on canvas, 58⅝x54⅝ inches, {"I am reminded of four definitions: A Radical is a man with both feet firmly planted—in the air. A Conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned to walk forward. A Reactionary is a somnambulist walking backwards. A Liberal is a man who uses his legs and his hands at the behest—at the command—of his head." -Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945), radio address to "New York Herald Tribune Forum", 26 October 1939} The mystery in becoming myself is the work I must do. It surprises me that it is difficult. Becoming who I was born to be is a journey, a journey back to childhood. It is journey to acceptance. Acceptance of joyful instincts found there, discovered in my awakening days. I am thinking about the instincts that made me feel wonderful. I remember feeling great exhilaration in certain, defined discoveries. This is real, this is the existence I was born into, how wonderful it is! My work today is fashioning those joyful remembrances of things instinctually joyfully into something real.
Here I am, doing it. I find enormous clarity in my newest painting, "Four Definitions”. This surprises me: In making this painting I am greatly enjoying following personal instincts! The joy is my ability to actually make those instincts real. The reality is the painting that sits in front of me. Its reality gives me great satisfaction. I enjoy its simplest successes. For instance, I love the shadow cast by that form on the bottom right. "Silence, Exile, and Cunning" (2022 No.1, state 12), oil on canvas, 48x57 inches, {"I will not serve that in which I no longer believe whether it call itself my home, my fatherland, or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use, silence, exile, and cunning." - James Joyce (1882-1941), "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" (1916)} This is better than Cherry Pie. I am taking myself to heart; this means I am accepting, I am embracing my whims, my frailty, my inconsistencies, my worries, my propensities, my failures, and my successes, This is not easy for me. I am a colossally confusing entity. I want, I need, I chase, I emote. Taken as a package, I am not easy to manage. It is not easy to get along with myself. I am often uncomfortable; I failure often, which is difficult to accept. My successes must be recognized. I am learning to recognize my successes as important documents, notes to myself. These notes enumerate things important to embrace, to make mine. My acceptance of successes will lead me past my failures. I am on a journey to better, more righteous fields.
Yesterday I took "Silence, Exile, and Cunning” a big step toward acceptance of me. I hung in there through many small failures on my journey to make it more mine, to make it succeed for me. "Silence, Exile, and Cunning" (2022 No.1, state 5), oil on canvas, 45½x57 inches, {"I will not serve that in which I no longer believe whether it call itself my home, my fatherland, or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use, silence, exile, and cunning." - James Joyce (1882-1941), "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" (1916)} Real is what real does when personal reality is accepted. I am in the process of accepting the animus of myself. Philip Guston said to me, "You really enjoy inventing a world full of little abstract forms and figures." Guston said this with glee (as he viewed one of my student paintings, see below). In other words, Guston recognized my most basic motivation before I had accepted it. For years after Guston’s comment I continued to squirm, search, look and wonder. Now I return, now I accept the truth of my mentor’s observation. Philip Guston’s recognition of me finding joy through invention of forms and figures is worthy of my acceptance. I denied a truth seen by this mentor like a child who chooses to deny the wisdom of his parent. Guston knew me better than myself. Now I am seeing my acceptance become real in the painting, "Silence, Exile, and Cunning”!
"Silence, Exile, and Cunning" (2022 No.1, state 4), oil on canvas, 45½x57 inches, {"I will not serve that in which I no longer believe whether it call itself my home, my fatherland, or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use, silence, exile, and cunning." - James Joyce (1882-1941), "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" (1916)} Lingers the hope that solutions will come easy; seldom does that dream come true. My dream fails me now; easy success is less possible when in the middle of a personal revolution. I will not come out of this painting the same. My work will never be the same. I will proceed, rebellious, renewed though acceptance of things possible for me, just me.
I am back to me, accepting me. The solidity of this straight forward drawing is me without regret. I am becoming acceptable to myself. I am not in revolution, but in solidification. Acceptance is reality recognized. I will remember this, I must remember this. Being actual is acceptance of present moments, acceptance inside the many moments of which everyday is made.
"Tonstant Weader Fwowed Up" (2021 No.10, state 9), oil on canvas, 56x62¼ inches, {"And it is that word 'hummy', my darlings, that marks the first place in 'The House at Pooh Corner' at which Tonstant Weader fwowed up." - Dorothy Parker (1893-1967), in "The New Yorker", 20 October 1928, reviewed by Dorothy Parker as "Constant Reader"} My acceptance quota is going up. It is going up, up with every artistic move I make. I feel good. This process is better, better all the time. This is recent. This is acceptance. This is how acceptance feels. It is true. It allows me to follow instincts. I trust my inner voices. I step back. My gawd, it makes sense from far and from near.
I am taking on the difficult because I can. That huge cloud-like, ocher dominated form, must be handled carefully. A form so compositionally dominate must make total, readable sense. Scale is important here. The round form, on which the dominate ocher form impinges, is critical to the structural integrity of the composition. Centering must be a game well played. I have presented myself with a robust challenge to intellect and emotion. I believe I can handle it. I go, head to head.
It is no time to worry. It is time to do, to make. Take this one for what it is. I question without certifying an answer.
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April 2024
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