Mysteriousness is always upon us. Where does all this come from? More than ever I am surprised by the invention within me. This is a result of my slow, but sure, giving into the act of creating without thinking out-loud. In my art I am doing things which surprise ― I don't consciously remember doing them! As example, in yesterday's drawing, there is the shadow cast by the man's head on his chest. It is very right, and works well in creating form and composition, but I can't remember acting on it. This not-consciously-knowing makes me think of Willem de Kooning. Late in life, and late in his artistic career, Willem de Kooning had Alzheimer's Disease. Despite his memory problems, de Kooning continued to make interesting paintings. People who knew him said that his performance, as an artist, was so deeply ingrained that it did not require the conscious, non-verbal, part of his thought. As proof, after my work I show a late de Kooning (in the collection of the National Gallery of Australia).
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Curiosity is the key to oneself. Following curiosity frees oneself from worries about decisions. Curiosity is freedom from the concern of going one way versus the other. Following a dream allows the wrong path to be taken. There are dream paths that lead to loss and meaninglessness. Dreams are dreams, puff made of smoke and mirrors. Curiosity is the real stuff, made from the origins of intuition. And so it is that the head of the girl in the right panel came to be. It is better, it is more "right", and it was found by following a question I had about size, shape, and meaning. As Picasso was fond of saying, "I do not seek, I find!" Finding is the natural consequence of following one's curiosity. Yesterday's drawing yells loudly, "Curiosity will take you places you never knew existed."
These are the first two reproductions I have shown you that were photographed with the new lighting system, i.e. two identical light banks on either side of the actual drawing. These are better. Perfect reproduction of an original is impossible. Nothing can be identical to the real thing, no matter how much technology is used to take the photo, and no matter how much energy is put into digital manipulation of the resulting photo.
I am trying to break myself down and find my essentialness. Yesterday's drawings are a step in that direction. Yes, I am going to finish the most recent painting, Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014. But I am restless. I need to explore at the same time I am finishing Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014, even though that painting now looks to me dated and in the past. Being an artist is seldom a peaceful occupation. I am glad I write this blog and post the current version of my painting. I am glad because Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 looks good here.
Yesterday, in the studio, I was feeling the inadequacy I often feel when a work is close to conclusion. It is the "what if?" feeling. What if I had approached this painting differently? Could I have made it a better painting? Would I feel that the painting more comprehensively represented me? In any case, it is what it is. I want to move on. After my efforts to get this painting right I know so much more. I'd like to use my newfound knowledge! However, this painting, Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014, is not finished. The left panel is better than the day before, as is the entirety of the composition. Now, all details must be revisited. The question about each must be answered: "Is each detail sufficient to adequately drive the painting?" Today I am not in the studio, so the answers will have to wait. Yesterday's drawing was my pedantic manner of exploring the emotional nuances of the human face. Now and then I practice these nuances for no other reason than to delve into what I know and question its effectiveness. Such was yesterday's drawing. It is no star. Yesterday's activity of painting brought me way back to 1991. At that point in my career I was an abstract painter, making what I called "3D Abstractions" (see one of those paintings below the reproductions of yesterday's work). Well, yesterday, while painting, I remembered that sensation of applying light on canvas as I struggled to make three-dimensional forms. It happened in the left panel of Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014, where the artifice of the walls I was creating must appear authentically 3D, forcing this character into his alcove. In Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 I am in the somewhat tedious part of its journey. Subtle changes are occurring, each making the painting better. Day by day, change by change, I will bring this thing to finality (despite a wish to move on to a new painting). For instance, looking at today's reproduction, I believe the wall behind the woman in the right panel must now be subtly alter in order to balance that right panel with the one on the left. What I perceive here is not always true. The truth occurs only when standing in front of the actual work. However, I do find my reproductions here extremely informative. My reaction to them is often true upon return to physically standing in front of the real thing.
Yesterday's drawing was interesting in its unusualness. I do not have enough energy to get it ALL done in one day. By ALL, I mean that I see more which must be altered, corrected, solved, than I am able to do in one sitting. However, the problem of limited energy is not My Biggest Fear! My Biggest Fear is my problem of being mortal. I am on a path which is endless, but I am not endless. There is so much more to come from me. I am chiseling away, slowly and surely discovering the depth of my knowing. My knowing is so deeply hidden because of the confusions created by education. By this I mean that my interaction with the experiential acts of living has obscured authentic truths because living is confusing. Thus my plight. It will take more than my lifetime to find a visual form which represents my deepest knowledge. I believe my knowing is not indeterminate, but it is obscure. The journey is longer than I have time to give it. This fact is My Biggest Fear. It will not stop me from this expedition. Step by step I will continue because the rewards are obvious. After each step I know more. Today I show you step 20 in the painting Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014. It is better than its previous state. That, in a nutshell, is why I will return to it today.
Don't forget to look at yesterday's drawing. There is a lot happening in my search for authenticity through drawing too! Amazing I recognize! There is something happening to me. I have said it before, but now it feels more real than ever. I am a conduit to information which is internalized, non-verbal, non-intellectual, intuitive, and true. I stand in front of canvas or paper and this information is called upon. My job is to complete the internal knowing with the media I have at my disposal. Wowie-Zowie, here it comes❗️
That said, there is an attitude forming in my work. It has a need to become real. This need pushes me to show up and make it real. I feel the results of yesterday's studio time clearly exhibits this, more clearly than ever before. Both the drawing and the painting are terrifically demanding when a viewer stands in front of the actual objects. You might say this sounds like a man on a manic high. Not true. My feeling is more the call of the wild. That which I intuit is wildly disorganized; my job is to understand it, to tame it. It is a big job. I need a lot of time to do it right. I want to stay fit and ready for the challenge. I am like an athlete who must stay healthy to compete. Today's title is less reality than a query. It is very confusing to be an artist. It's like diving blind into a quarry pond, dark and deep with no sunshine to illuminate its depth. The safety of the dive is in question. Picasso said it well: "Painting is a blind man's profession. He paints not what he sees, but what he feels, what he tells himself about what he has seen." I am becoming permeated with this reality. The only way forward is to give into knowledge deeper and smarter than anything I consciously know. I am allowing myself to be taken over by forces I do not understand. I am a prisoner of the internalization of all I have seen. Woe is me!
I have been trying to talk myself into the belief that Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 is complete. But every time I touch the painting, it gets better. Yesterday I learned something important. I worked on the hands of the man in the right panel. I was startled by the importance of these hands, not just because of the emotional expression they add to the figure, but also compositionally. The fingers on his right hand (on viewer's left) act as a small plane which helps the viewer fall into the composition using its third-dimensional aspect. I am bolstered by this success. That right man's hands are not complete, but I will wait a day or two for the oil to dry before completing them. Today I will work on the woman's feet in the left panel. Tomorrow I will report to you my perception of this seemingly minor change. I thought the man's hands I changed yesterday to be a minor alteration. Perhaps defining the the woman's feet will be just as important as the man's hands. I really would like to move onto the next painting, but the knowledge I am absorbing as I continue to work on Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 is just too important. What I learn now will stay with me forever.
I wrote in yesterday's post that I am accepting my total fascination with the surfaces of three-dimensional forms. You can see this in yesterday's drawing. Yesterday I reproduced a Lucian Freud etching in order to exhibit a common thread between him and I. Today I show you an early Matisse, where he, in his imitable way, plays with the color and light on the three-dimensional surface of the face and upper torso of a woman. This drawing is all I have from yesterday. It seems to be a celebration and exploration of drawing skills. I have little to say because I don't feel great emotional attachment to this drawing. It was pleasurably analytical in the making.
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May 2024
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