Never boring, but always seems like it should be. Rut? I don't think so. But I do feel, as always, that I could go faster. Just like light has a defined speed so it is with making art, or perhaps creativity in general. Some seem to be faster than I, or is that an illusion based upon the depth of their concerns. I hope that is what it is. It is obvious Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 is coming to conclusion. It is obvious I am testing my limits in my drawing. I hate limits. I will crash through them, all of them, given enough time.
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The journey of Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 has been a long one (now in its 26th state!). I have had to be patient, waiting for its entirety to make sense. It is doing that now. At last I can see a finish coming. I am actually restless. This extended process, taking well over a month, is holding me here. I want to take the next step. I have stretched up a new, much smaller, single panel canvas. That is where I am going for my next painting. I am not complaining. I am stating my quality of restive, jitteriness. I want to move on. At the same time I know it is important for me to give all I have to give to where I am now.
I took a day away on Saturday and returned to the studio in a bit of a fuzz. The result is my transition drawing, which brought me back to the reality of the studio. The drawing is unusual for me. Surprisingly, it pleases me. Today's title is less reality than a query. It is very confusing to be an artist. It's like diving blind into a quarry pond, dark and deep with no sunshine to illuminate its depth. The safety of the dive is in question. Picasso said it well: "Painting is a blind man's profession. He paints not what he sees, but what he feels, what he tells himself about what he has seen." I am becoming permeated with this reality. The only way forward is to give into knowledge deeper and smarter than anything I consciously know. I am allowing myself to be taken over by forces I do not understand. I am a prisoner of the internalization of all I have seen. Woe is me!
The new triptych is looking promising. However, the studio is so clogged that I don't have much room to move. It is difficult making large paintings, as it requires me to wander though a maze of old paintings to see the one currently on the painting wall. Not good. I have neglected organization for too long. Paintings are stacked all over the place. I have also neglected my website, Mehrbach.com. So this is what I must do: I will devote the next couple of weeks to organization of website and studio. I have been intending to do this for a quite some time, but I have put it off because art-making feels better to me than organizing. Now is good timing. I recently finished a major work (Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014) and I am just beginning another major work (Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014). This means I will stop making art while I organize. This also means I will stop posting here during the time I am organizing. Please check here periodically. "I'll be back!"
Last night I watched Wes Anderson's film, "The Grand Budapest Hotel." I said out loud, "If I made films this is the kind I would make." It is the wrap of seriousness within humor that attacks me. That makes sense to me. I have had periods of my art making when this enclosure, and inclusion, has been present in my art. I believe, in order to live well, the serious aspects of life must be viewed within a sense humor that reflects the futility and limits of being alive and human. I must return to making art which fully reflect who I am and my core beliefs. Just in time: I am an easy step away from the completion of Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. It will probably happen today! So, what you see here, is Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 on the verge of its finality! It seems too serious to me now. Nonetheless, I needed to make it. Being an artist is seeking the root self. This painting was a step toward understanding the core requirements of my true art. Looking back is good because it informs me looking now. Yesterday's first drawing contains some of that sense of humor I require to feel fully me. I am happy it is coming back. Look for it in my next painting!
I got too involved with the form of the man's pants in the left panel. I moved the color toward yellow ochre and didn't notice the color mismatch. It was not until I stepped back at the end of the studio session that this color problem hit me. It disturbs me greatly, mostly because I concentrated on form, and absentmindedly forgot to watch the entire painting. The yellow ochre does not play well with the woman's dress, nor does it reflect the man's pants in the fight panel (not the man in the right panel is the same man as the man in the left panel). In any case, this is a minor problem. All I see now are minor problems. This painting is almost complete, and this fact is the opposite of disturbing.
I like yesterday's drawing. I will not draw today. I will go straight to the painting. A note about reproduction: The painting is evenly lit. In the past, when photographing the painting, I have added lights to the normal overhead bank of lights used during painting. I noticed the extra lights caused areas of color to wash-out. Today's reproduction of Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 is not quite as vibrant as yesterday's, but overall it is more cohesive because of the even lighting. I continue to grapple with the white paper in reproducing of the drawing. It appears gray in today's reproduction. The choice is always made to exhibit the pencil line, and the consequent form, as best as possible. This does not mean the reproduction perfectly reflects the subtlety of the pencil's values. I will never be satisfied with reproduction. I nearly forgot about this part of me, this underlying sense of the comic. One has to accept the humor of living as a consequence of the definitive fleetingness of our existence. Nothing is really serious. It is only our invention of ego and history that causes our investment in actions as important. So I am very happy to see the resurgence of humor in my drawing. I am surprised! Once again I am reminded that the consistency of practice brings unexpected benefits. This is why art is research. Just when you believe your work has paid off in self-discovery, another layer of fog gets stripped away. You discover, you renew, you remind yourself who you authentically are. The drawings of the last two have this kind of authenticating importance.
After my recent flirtation with Modigliani I have returned to the painting Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014 with more clarity. Yesterday I worked on the man on the left. The composition is better. Increased clarity comes because I have accepted the conflict between shape and volume. Shapes are the nails that secure this painting's composition, while the volumes create the 3-dimensional reference to visual reality. The volumes also create a secondary compositional play as the viewer moves in and out, up and down, and through the forms.
Yesterday's drawings exhibit my continuing fascination with shape versus volume versus reference to visual reality. Yes, I have upped my desire to deal with this conundrum. So, today's title refers to the consequent increased richness of my work. I am asking myself more questions. I have more problems to solve. I have accepted an increase in the level of difficulty. Wow, I'm enjoying this! I know what I am doing, though it may not be obvious to you. My creative and physical energy ebbs and flows as response to the degree to which it was recently used. Last week was important in terms of the painting, Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. More importantly, it clarified my intent. I am much more clear on the art I must make. I stripped away a few more of my delusions. That effort drained my reserves of energy.
Thus far this week's art-making has been slow. However, after last week's efforts I feel I have the knowledge, and ability, to successfully complete Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014. I also feel I know the next step I must take. This is very good. The problem I have with my current reality, i.e. the need to store up energy, is my distaste for waiting for my sharpness, intensity, and focus to come back. I prefer constancy. From experience I know the wait will not be long. That is reassuring. Yesterday's drawings are practice, studies for my next major work, a triptych of paintings. The painting, Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014, is looking very good. As I wrote yesterday, I wish it had come, and will come, more easily. The struggle to get it right feels gigantic. To a large degree the difficulty I am experiencing is my fault. I keep looking for an easier way, but there is only one way. I am in the process of accepting my own manner of seeing and finding truth. As I accept this reality I strip away the fantasies of art made from simple exuberant bursts of creativity. Those simple bursts do occur, occasionally, as they did in yesterday's drawing. Drawing, however, is limited. If I accept true expression in minuscule amounts I can go for simple exuberance, but that would sadly fail me. I have a need for deep expression. FYI: The reproduction of yesterday's drawing fails to capture the wonderful play of light and dark in its substantial subtlety. In the real thing the darker values around the man's eyes spell out light, form, and emotion. This just is not seen, or felt, in the reproduction you see here.
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May 2024
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