I wish for the best, but I never get it. So, I wish you the best, I hope you get there. I am doomed to fail. That's why I return for another day, another try. Achieving the best is impossible. I am constantly striving to get there. Along the way I do good works. That is me, the moral person in action. It is the moral of my story. It is the moral imbedded in each artwork I make.
Yesterday's work was good, very good. My understanding is creeping toward more depth, more exhibition of knowledge and knowing. Yesterday's drawing, and painting, animate their spaces as a good painting and a good drawing should. Both artworks sit comfortably in front of us, their viewers. I do feel a sense of achievement. Am I satisfied. No way! This drawing looks better here, in reproduction, than in person. That is unusual. Perhaps it is the up close and personal perusal that brings intimacy to this confusing image; confusing in person, intimate in reproduction? Yes? In any case, I believed I had failed to accomplish my goal. I wished to make every stroke of this pencil drawing relate to every other stroke. I wished the negative and the positive spaces to emote with, and against, one another. Here, in reproduction, I believe I approached my goals. Here, the viewer sees the obvious centering of this composition. The strong center allows the repetitive surrounding swelling forms to sing a tune in harmony, a tune that is the bass beat behind the main theme.
Erasure, or removal by painting over, is recognition of failure to find truth and integrity. This occurred incisively during yesterday's studio session. This is me making good habits into habitual integrity.Being able to say "NO" to elements of an image during its expression, as it is appearing, is becoming my talent. "NO!" means recognition of an idea gone wrong. Erasure, or removal by painting over, is recognition of failure to find truth and integrity. This occurred incisively during yesterday's studio session. This is me making good habits into habitual integrity.
I don't like yesterday's drawing. I do like this next step for the painting, "In the Lost Negative." Uneven success is yesterday's studio legacy. Whatever I do, as long as I do, I am on a learning journey, two steps forward, one back, two forward, et cetera. Yesterday I took solid and uneven steps. I learned a lot.
"Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 7), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"} I wish it were easier. Always I wish for the same thing, easy. Never do I get it. This is work. This is effort. This is stepping strong, succeeding some of the time, failing often. The moments of success, at least the moments of "feeling successful," drive me to return and try again. While organizing the reproduction of yesterday's drawing for posting here, I felt failure. It did not sing the way I believed it had during yesterday's studio process. Did I go wrong? If my steps be honest and true, there is no wrong, there is just journey.
Yesterday's studio work fell short of my ambition. That's OK. It has informed me. I return today to make better. "Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 6), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"} I have many fears. One of my biggest is fear of falling short on exhibiting the sophistication of my emotions and intellect. I do not want to compromise sophistication for clarity. If I get too sophisticated, I fear I will confuse, rather than elucidate. Yesterday I took a step toward making clarity and sophistication occur simultaneously. These two works exhibit clarity of intellect and emotions AND sophistication of intellect and emotions. There is a tie that internally binds the images into one clear piece of information, while also allowing sophisticated data and information to be exhibited. These feel a proper step to me.
"Startle & Lay Siege" (2021 No.1, state 5), oil on canvas, 36x45 inches {"I was learning at seventy-one what it is to be deranged. Proving that self-discovery wasn't over after all. Proving that the drama that is associated usually with the young as they fully begin to enter life... can startle and lay siege to the aged." -Philip Roth, "Exit Ghost"} There are many ways to approach the emotional energy in a rectangular work of art. I am trying one after the other, looking for robust reflection of my feelings. It is a game. I am challenging my ability to make real the stuff I feel and know. This is research. Try one thing, then another. Take a couple steps forward, then a failure. React to failure. Take another step, hopefully forward. With time and energy, I am getting closer. Success is translating my knowing, my feeling, into the physical image I am making. Look at yesterday's work. Each one is a step in the right direction. Are they fully successful? That feeling of being near, but incomplete, is the reason I return. The success I am experiencing is this: I feel closer to making real that which I know and feel.
There is a lot in a little, and vice versa. I must be careful. Muck can overwhelm. Muck can distract. Confusion reigns if the the simplest of truth telling is not sustained. Yesterday's drawing allows the viewer to engage with a simple rectangle within a rectangle. This engagement occurs despite it being built with a complex web. I believe yesterday's drawing tells a proper story.
I found yesterday's first drawing uninteresting. I found yesterday's second drawing close to greatness. Both fail to complete. Both left mew with questions. The first a terrible amount of questions. The second, only a few. Today's drawing answers the questions posed by yesterday's second drawing. It pares down to the second drawing's essentials. I find today's drawing exceptional.
Yesterday's studio session began with this drawing. I completed it. Then I had to go throw my garbage away at the town dump. On the way, I turned on the car's radio. A virulent, and violent, onslaught on the capital building had begun. Our republic's center was being attacked by supporters of a very sick man. His followers were doing the ask of this very sick man. This was familiar to him, and to all of us, but its intensity surprised the rational minds in our society. This very sick man has continually asked his cult-like followers to do his dirty work, the work required for him to acquire power and money. Yesterday's turmoil was a quick burn, but it mirrored this very sick man's entire life. This was abnormal, this mongrel horde pushing our democratically elected leaders out of our society's designated safe place to manage our country, in peace and in war.
Yesterday morning, I entered my studio feeling very positive, in control of my personal ambitions and struggles. That felt right and good. Then midday turmoil distracted me, lasting into the night, as our country struggled to get back to the rational task of governance. Today I feel good again. It appears more people today see clearly, and correctly, then yesterday. My drawing, here, shows insight into the play of space I wish to make fully embrace with my intellect and my emotions. I will return to the studio today. Today I will struggle more, I will work toward my ambition of complete self-expression. |
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April 2024
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