The struggle to get it right is becoming extreme. Draw in, rub out, in and out; the same goes for paint or pencil. This is work compelled by failure. I am on a quest for purity and authenticity. There is a rightness felt by intuition that has been nurtured by experience. It is not that simple. It is not that easy. Experience is often misinterpreted, so intuition cannot be fully trusted. There must be (for lack of a better word) a heavenly base of knowing which I am striving to emulate. In my striving to match the heavenly authenticity I mirror a bit of it, but the mirror itself is dirty from the distractions of incorrect information built by years of seeing with limited human vision. This will continue because I cannot let go. I cannot let go because the more I do the more i glimpse truth and correctness. There are open spaces of clarity between the dirty smudges on the mirror. In those clean spaces a bit of true knowing is glimpsed. There is reward in seeing truly, a rush, an emotional high. This is addictive. Because I have seen glimpses of truth I have begun to believe I can know it all. This is foolish. Nevertheless the addiction is strong and bolstered by the reward of each authentic glimpse. I must continue.
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