Can you see where these are going? I can not! Back and forth, and all around, they go from figurative to abstract. Consistent is their interest in form and composition. The one obvious is my struggle for authentic expression. Most gratifying is their high quality. It is my search for a simple means to accurate expression that forces upon me the letting go of the falderal. These drawings are moving me toward the point, to the reason, for making drawings. This seems odd to convey, but looking back, I believe most of my artistic career, and perhaps most of my career as living being, has been dedicated to activity as education, not activity as self-expression. There is a hump in one's path. It is the impediment to becoming an expressive entity. That hump is education. I don't mean education as simple information gathering. Good education is trial and error, a colloquy of learning. If successful, one's education gives one the means to decipher the particles in the cloud through which we walk in our daily existence. Most of these particles are required for simple sustenance, but it is those of the metaphysical that are really interesting to me. Mere sustenance can muddle, and even obscure, that which is truly important to understanding oneself. It is my job, as artist, to move through the cloud, to inspect the individual particles that are the cloud, to grab and place in my arsenal those particle that sing truly the language of myself. The rest of the particles are there as support, like the sunshine. Without sunshine we could not exist, but sunshine does not express the metaphysical angst that is the reason for waking up every day and screaming, "We exist for a reason!"
I don't care about straight lines on the page, but I do care about getting there directly, without straying too far from an authentic path. Here I am in another struggle to keep on a line to self-expression. This is about clarity and correct measurement, and not about skill and being true to form. Yesterday's drawing feels off. It is too ornate and confusing. It looks like a weird being from another planet is encountering a strange fruit from another planet (the objects may come from two different planets — who knows?).
Today I am back at it again! (Lately, I seem to be loving those exclamation points!!!) This process is not easy, not at all, and... I wish it were easy! Wishing gets nothing, doing does. The more I do this the greater the force of my insight: I must move away from figuration. Figuration, for me, had become a dead end. I want to express using painterly purity: color, form, composition, surface energy, and light. If I remained fettered to the figure I would have concerned myself with thoughts of physiognomy and anatomy. This diversion had removed me from the direct and the simple, and the possibility of true expression. Authentication of my primary impetus, to find meaning through making art, had become impossible. It is no wonder that it took me so much time, and energy, to complete the last two paintings you can see on my website, MEHRBACH.com, i.e. the triptych and diptych (Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 and Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014). My time and energy were me seeking true expression. I was a true detective, but I missed vital clues. The struggle to get it right was the major clue, and I missed it! This dumbfounded miss, this failure, had told its own story. I ignored the clue, and went on and on and on. Is this a problem now? Was this a failure from which I learned nothing? No, no, no! I am a better man for it! Today I begin a new painting. Watch me crow!!!
Yesterday was a creepy day. I went into the studio intending to finish the painting Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014, but found myself wondering about its validity. The positive spin on this is... yesterday was a day of self-evaluation. The painting I am about to finish, and the one that preceded it (Untitled Diptych-04·15·2014), are disciplined spans of time, in which I am going from the artist of "take what I have" to the artist of "consolidate and move on." This appears to be self re-eveluation.
I am about to move on, yet I know I have to finish that which I have wrought. It (Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014) has merit, with or without re-evaluation. The problem I face is my own making. I required practice. I needed to discipline my manner of approach in painting, so I made large, major paintings, a diptych, then a triptych. In the heat of making these works I did not know that these paintings are mere moments in my education. I know now that they are springboards to more expressive work. Of course, the more expressive work has not yet been done, so what am I writing about? Isn't every work one does a bit of education? At this juncture it is nonsensical for me to predict the future of my work. Perhaps prediction is always nonsensical. Making is the only true informant. Thus I must continue painting Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 until it is done. The new work will come in its own time and it will not be nonsensical if it springs from all I know. Yesterday's drawing is a good one. It is illuminating. I did not labor it. I did not spend time contemplating it. It flashed itself onto paper with little criticism from me. Mysteriousness is always upon us. Where does all this come from? More than ever I am surprised by the invention within me. This is a result of my slow, but sure, giving into the act of creating without thinking out-loud. In my art I am doing things which surprise ― I don't consciously remember doing them! As example, in yesterday's drawing, there is the shadow cast by the man's head on his chest. It is very right, and works well in creating form and composition, but I can't remember acting on it. This not-consciously-knowing makes me think of Willem de Kooning. Late in life, and late in his artistic career, Willem de Kooning had Alzheimer's Disease. Despite his memory problems, de Kooning continued to make interesting paintings. People who knew him said that his performance, as an artist, was so deeply ingrained that it did not require the conscious, non-verbal, part of his thought. As proof, after my work I show a late de Kooning (in the collection of the National Gallery of Australia).
Remarkable is yesterday's drawing. It surprised me. This drawing is indicative of a change in heart, intellect, and intuition. It took well over three-quarters of my studio time to complete, but was well worth it. I feel, at least right now, that this drawing is a landmark on my journey to full expression.
I do not want to distract you from yesterday's alteration in Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014. It too is important, not so much for it magnitude as for its subtleness. The quality of the activity was important. I worked on the woman's head in the right panel, and the stripes that are the wall behind her. Rather than sweeping changes I made subtle changes. There is a different type of control in such an activity. This vintage of activity is often seen in my drawing, but it has been difficult for me to bring it into my painting. Color and composition come first in my painting, and details second. However, this sort of detail oriented work is necessary if I am to achieve the high degree of expressive success I seek in my painting. The shift has occurred. Goodbye to being dark till 7am. I awake with the sun. Today I was up earlier than yesterday. Besides the change in time, I believe there is a change in me. Always. I'm not static as nothing is static. Yesterday's drawing was rather interesting. The painting plods on, it also is demanding change. So here we are with state 33 of Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014. The girl in the right panel now has a waist! Why did I not see the need of this before? That is an eternal, repetitive question. Painting makes me feel slow of mind. The obvious always takes its time in becoming obvious. Maybe I should alter the way I make art. I am definitely thinking about it. In any case, changes like those seen yesterday bring with them a note of optimism. I can do this. I can find the way to make my art sing true. All it takes is time and energy. I just hope my time and energy last long enough to get the right stuff done!
I will never get there. I will always be on a journey. I strive for peacefulness, but resting always results in a store of energy, and consequently, a way and means, and a need, to take the next step in the journey. Journeys are not restful, but they are exciting, invigorating, and self-motivating. Consistent peace is an illusion.
Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 is getting closer to the end of its journey. In the meantime, my drawings are opening up new directions. I am not sure it is obvious, but my comprehension of form has changed. There is additional fullness. Each form speaks for itself, rather than simply being a part of everything else. In other words, each and every form carries with it a strength of interest as it relates to itself, while concurrently relating to the entirety, and other forms, within the composition. This is very exciting to me. It opens new roads to take. The journey feels as if it is just about to begin. No rest, or complacency, is possible. I am glad I write this blog and post the current version of my painting. I am glad because Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 looks good here.
Yesterday, in the studio, I was feeling the inadequacy I often feel when a work is close to conclusion. It is the "what if?" feeling. What if I had approached this painting differently? Could I have made it a better painting? Would I feel that the painting more comprehensively represented me? In any case, it is what it is. I want to move on. After my efforts to get this painting right I know so much more. I'd like to use my newfound knowledge! However, this painting, Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014, is not finished. The left panel is better than the day before, as is the entirety of the composition. Now, all details must be revisited. The question about each must be answered: "Is each detail sufficient to adequately drive the painting?" Today I am not in the studio, so the answers will have to wait. Yesterday's drawing was my pedantic manner of exploring the emotional nuances of the human face. Now and then I practice these nuances for no other reason than to delve into what I know and question its effectiveness. Such was yesterday's drawing. It is no star. Why do I feel these things? I see problems and possible solutions, but I am not simply happy. immediately upon viewing today's reproduction of the painting Untitled Triptych-08·13·2014 I see a problem, and it glares at me. The left panel is not reacting as well as it might; it should play better with the other two panels. The left panels is too upright. I believe it requires a rotational structure to animate it, and contrast it, with the other two panels. Funny it seems, because the lines on the back wall of the left panel instigate a rotation. However, those lines complete nothing. Do I know the solution? No! But I know the problem, and that's a beginning. Writing this informs me of a fundamental concern of mine: compositional animation and balance. Its importance is rearing it head. But there is much more to me than that. Look at yesterday's drawing. I continue my efforts to scrape the surface of the human face in my quest of subtle emotional expression. I couldn't make this stuff up. It is primal. I know not where my concerns originate.
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April 2024
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