I am the opposite of lighthearted. I am troubled. Nothing I am doing pleases me. Everything has problems without obvious solutions. I know I am in the midst of a revolution, an upheaval. This is not comforting. Change is transpiring; change which is not fully controlled. I am riding a bull, hoping to hang on long enough for it to calm down and be manageable.
Should I abandon the painting "2016 No.17"? Or, should I strike at it, forcing it to be more representative of what I know and feel? I think I will strike. That's what revolutionaries do! Yesterday's drawing is more clearly authentically mine. It does not carry with it the lethargy of acceptance I see in the painting. Confusion is here. Yesterday's drawings show it. I am sorting out image priorities. References to actual forms seen in our visual reality may be there, maybe not.
There ain't nothing like a hound dog! The problem is understanding. What exactly is a hound dog? I do not mean its physical appearance. I mean, what makes a perfect hound dog? It has to be a spiritual thing. The problem I am facing in my painting is this comparison between what is seen and what is actually there. Yesterday's drawing sits with me comfortably in its complexity. But the painting, "2016 No.6", is not sitting comfortably. Today I will take a step toward this painting's simplification. Trial and error is one means to understanding. This is research, after all.
I accept that I make art for one reason: the unknown scares the crazies out of me! I cannot stop doing this activity, making-art, because of this weird, not-so-true, reason: I cannot stop because I cannot know. So I search endlessly. There was an earlier time in my life when I read Jorge Luis Borges with great intent. I have not read Borges in quite a while. My memory has transposed his basic idea into my understanding of the Labyrinth of being. Below I have quoted the forward to Borges' book, "A Personal Anthology" (Forward written by Anthony Kerrigan, Dublin, 1997). Like Borges, I must admit, I most identify as "one who swears he has not died." Yesterday's drawing is me taking another step toward knowing versus unknowing. The "shadows" and "forms" do and don't make sense, i.e. their references to our lived-in reality is true and false, simultaneously. I hope that Jorge Luis Borges would like this drawing. Do I worry too much? I worry about various topics. Worrying about my art usually pays off. Other worries, such as those about money, health & longevity, possible hacking of my computer and emails, and the truth behind my social and familial relationships, do not usually pay off. They are simply bothers. Those kind of worries distract, not usually in a good way. Over concernment about a worldly, mundane problem often turns into vexation, distracting from being here, being now. You know, the stuff that is actually important.
In art, over concernment forces me to tread carefully. Not good. Experimentation in art is important. Being careful is not important. With this in mind I began a new painting. I abandoned the usual crutch of drawing with an acrylic marker. Yesterday I began "2016 No.6" purely with paint and color. This is closer to the approach I use in drawing. I always post the final state of my drawings. You don't see the introductory scratches, which are full of questions. Today's introduction to "2016 No.6" is "full of questions." I don't know where it is going. In this case I know the confusion, the worry, is OK. It will drive my problem solving. Whew, got that off my chest! Now, what am I going to do with my life worries? Failure is always an option. If failure were not allowed I would tread too carefully, thus reducing the chance of accomplishing the substantial. Here I am, writing my blog, in the afternoon, away from the studio; this because a dentist appointment distracted me. That appointment took a good part of my morning. Dreadful, but necessary. Today I am going to write only a little. I want to be there, not here. I want to be making art. No promises as to the level of substantiality that today will produce. The mix-up in my timing has confused my natural energy because of the disruption to my bio-rhythms. This loss is a residue of rushing to and back and getting this blog written. In a few minutes I will finally walk into the studio at a time later than my body and my soul desire.
Critique of yesterday's work: Two very good drawings! This drawing is more "head-on" than I have been making recently. Even my last few paintings read more like landscapes, or room-scapes, then facades. This reminds me of Claude Monet's artistic development (see three examples below). Early in Monet's career he was very interested in the third-dimension of the landscape, as in "The Road from Chailly to Fontainebleau" (1864). By mid-creed Monet was making facade-like paintings, as in "Rouen Cathedral" (1882). Monet concluded his career making absolute facades, as in his many paintings of "Water Lilies" (1919). I am thinking about facades versus 3D-scapes because I am trying to work through this inherent conflict in picture-making. Yesterday's drawing is more a facade than the drawings from the previous day. I mentioned Monet development, but the "Father of Modern Art", Paul Cezanne, instinctively understood painting as facade. Even his earliest work screams with "I am flat" (after Monet's work, see Paul Cezanne's "Orchard in Pontoise" from 1877, Cezanne died in 1906). To conclude, the flat plane forces an artist to deal with a picture's ultimate insistence on two-dimensional composition. I am working out this dichotomy within my artistic nature. I definitely have a problem to solve, given my propensity for manufacturing the third-dimension while scratching and feeling the surfaces of rendered forms. I was born with an identity, but an identity that I cannot easily perceive. Here I am, finding it. I am slowly unravelling that which is compounded by genetics and experience. I am unscrambling the fusion that is me. But, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle pertains. When I touch, when I comprehend one bit of my identity, I alter everything during the touch. I evolve. Momentum does appear to be the most important element of the drive. The instinct is to continue in the given, the discovered, the unraveling direction. I know I must proceed with questions and caution. I fear self-deception in the same way I fear death. Both death and deception end in the loss of identity.
Drawings from 11/24/2015, both pencil on paper, 16X20 inches Right now I feel that my life, and my art, have too many commas. This may or may not be true. But I feel it. Tis the season of distractions. Some real, because of social engagements and the consequent use of my time. Some emotionally created, because of the relationships I have with friends and family. Until my re-reading of my last blog post I thought I had used too many commas. Now I think not. This is indicative of my confusion.
I continue to surprise myself in the studio. Yesterday's drawings appear bewildering to me. I am unscrambling my life through my art. I would let you know when "I get it," but that is not going to happen. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. Today I do some things to prepare. Today I will not have much time in the studio, but I will post something tomorrow. Drawings from 11/01/2015, all 20X16 inches, pencil on paper Variety is the spice of life. Yesterday's drawings are all over the place. Is this me being unable to choose a theme? Is this a result of laziness? It is confusion? Confusion can be misinterpreted as laziness! OR, is this progress? I'll go for the latter. Each of these drawings are complete works of art. Each is able to stand alone. Each has emotional authenticity. Each is a quality work of art.
Yesterday, while in the making, I did lack intense energy. That confused me. When I do not feel I am acting with recognizable energy I may actually be in a place of contemplative action, i.e. NOT lacking energy, but lacking full commitment to a potently available idea. This is me in a mode of seek and find. Amazing! I can not be sure that which I do as I do it. I do know now, the results are adequate and instructive. |
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April 2024
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