Often I think my art is nothing more than the manipulation of the zero sum existence I live in. My efforts to make sense of the visual picture plane is analogous to the difficulty I have making sense of my existence. I am trying to find meaning and purpose by laying down paint and pencil marks on canvas and paper. There is no surprise here. It feels mundane for me to broach this subject. Questioning one's reason for being here is endless and has been done since humans obtained the capacity to be reflective. As I wrote that last sentence I asked myself, "Why do I dare put this thought out there? All of us feel the same." The answer to this question is important to me, of course, but I write it here because it is equally important to the choices I am making in my art. I am continuing my search to find a proper subject. I am seeking self-satisfaction and purpose. I am motivated by my search. The subject of my art is important to my self-motivation. At least that is the way I feel right now, since I do not fully comprehend my present choices. I do know the full development of form and space is important to me, i.e creating forms and space on a two-dimensional plane that appear three-dimensional. I know I represent people over and over again, and I often represent couples entangled in emotional responsiveness to one another. I am beginning to feel that my need to create three-dimensional form and space will be with me always. I am not sure if my present manner of depicting human figures is lastingly important. I intended to begin a new painting yesterday. However, after completing the first drawing I found myself with just 20 minutes left in the studio. So, I decided to make a quick drawing. The result is above. Willem de Kooning talked about making drawings while watching TV. Setting his attention into conflict apparently released a portion of his mind. Otherwise he would have restricted the images in his drawings to a repetitive reissue of his previous manner of making images. Quick drawings, like the one above, may help me to separate my conscious mind from repetition as well.
These drawings show the tracks of my effort to draw authentically with every mark I make. I wasn't always as right as I wished to be, but it is the practice of mindfulness that is important, even with its failures. Has anyone made a work of art that fully satisfies themselves? In any case, check out the changes in the drawing above by comparing it to its first state in the previous blog post. This one, shown here, is much better. It has gone a better way because it was made in a better way. And so it goes. My commitment to the mindful, here and now, making of my art is surprising me. It surprised me in the drawing below. That drawing is well made, but it is not my normal cup of tea. Practicing mindfulness as I work will initially bring a lot of these simpler, more authentically realized images. I intend to go out and draw today. I feel the need to practice through drawing before I return to painting. I am like the baseball player who has not liked the way he has been swinging the bat in the last few games. I need to take batting practice before I return to the higher standards required to hit well in the big game.
As incredible as it seems, this painting just found itself. Untitled-01·02·2014 is now home, but not home free. The next phase for this painting has been burdensome and difficult for me in earlier paintings, i.e. getting all the individual forms within the overall composition working as best they can, expressing as much as they can. But, as I become better at my craft, closer to my personal expressive identity, I believe this will be easier for me. For instance, those jumble of hands and fingers of the man on the right must be sorted out to make this painting have maximum impact. I feel excitement within me to make this happen well and correctly.
I did not post yesterday, so these images are from the day before yesterday (01/22/2014). Yesterday took me to a film class and then elsewhere. Since I was away from the studio I did errands. This you do not need to know, but I did want to share with you one thought. It is apparent that some solution must take place in the middle right edge of Untitled-01·02·2014. Maybe a cat will come in...
Perhaps you can follow the sketch in yesterday's blog post after viewing the man on the left in today's reproduction of Untitled-01·02·2014. In the sketch the man holds a watch forward toward the viewer. That would not work in the painting, and neither does the central form in this "state #4". That nose has to rotate in front of the man on the right. That will happen today; it will increase, and play with, the artifice of 3-dimensions.
Yesterday's drawing is obviously an additional study (after the sketch) for the man on the left in the painting. My return from New York City feels dramatic. I needed that! Balthus was not as exceptional as I believed prior to my seeing a lot of his works in one space ― Balthus labored through his paintings (although they have wonderful reductive form, light, and composition, they do not glow with inspiration). Vermeer's "Girl with a Pearl Earring" is a beautifully conceived face, but it fails as a total painting (the background has decayed toward black and sits like a dead plate behind the exceptional light and form of the girl's physiognomy and turban). And Magritte found image after fascinating image, but in the end he deadpans it all (the power of image is stronger than the power of inventive painting). And so it goes... I am as critical of my own work as the works of these painters from the past. I returned to the studio with a desire to pull together my various interests. I want to make my multiple driving forces work together in painting after painting, and drawing after drawing. I want my art to represent all I know and all the questions I ask. I need my art to be a conduit to revelation.
There has not been a dog in my drawings or paintings for quite a while. This renewal of a priorly used image follows the emotional and intellectual reconditioning brought on by my recent absence from the studio. It also occurs thanks to the dog Kedzie, who visited me during the holidays. My work is firming up. Allowances for all things past are being accepted. Yesterday's drawing is an attestation of this acceptance. I am very optimistic about the work to come.
(Comment: I may go back into yesterday's drawing. The hand that rests on the forward man's head feels wrong. I don't think it should rest on the man's head, but should play independently within the space. You may not see this change for two days, as today is New Year's Day and I have other things to do. Happy New Year to you!) Returning to the studio is always way more interesting than I am prepared for. By this I mean there is trepidation about a return after an extended absence, especially after the holidays when making-art is remote. I spend all my time with friends and relatives. The holidays are joyous and distracting. Distracting would be the most correct adjective if I thought art-making is the most important aspect of my life. But art-making is not the most important aspect of my life. Art-making allows me to live with the fears and questions which make my life full of self doubt, anxiety, and apprehension. Being with people, especially during celebratory times (when everyone is mostly positive), deflects wonderfully. For hours at a time I actually stopped worrying! There is another result that is constructive and worthwhile: During my off-time from art-making I gathered creative energy which allowed me to understand more clearly my basic abilities and the reasons I make art ― this allowed me to enter the studio yesterday with greater understanding of my authentic visual voice.
Check out the drawing from 11/30/2013 at the end of today's post ― I fixed the items I mentioned as problems in yesterday's post... almost → I still get a paper shadow on the left side of the drawing, but the woman's right ankle is better. Better also in the painting Untitled-11·27·2013. In its 4th state it has moved away from my old theme of male/female interplay toward something more interesting (at least more interesting for this painting).
Yesterday's drawing is a replay of the previous day's drawing, but this time the man leads. How come you can't know it all at once? It seems to me that painting is a lot like writing a novel ― you can't know the outcome when you begin; upon initial inspiration you merely have a fundamental feeling for the characters. And so it goes.... Today I will alter this painting, now in its 17th state, once again. I feel like I know the nature of the situation better than yesterday, which was better than the day before. The unravel of knowing is occurring slowly, moving, as it is, from cryptic to authentic. When this painting is true to itself it will be finished.
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May 2024
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