I am tired. This past week was momentous. My work has turned a corner. More specific, my process in painting has turned a corner. You can see it in today's images. As I wrote the last sentence I got a queer, anxious, physical sensation, an uncomfortable feeling that all in not right. I believe I feel this way because the painting I show today, "Man & Man," is not right, yet today I do not have the energy to go back into it. I need a day off. As you can see, the clothed man's head is in, but it is more a sketch than finished, as its color is basically in shades of gray, which indicate things to come rather than a completed product. It is necessary for me to accept my accomplishment, sit back, and enjoy the day. The accomplishment is the change in my approach, my method, my process. With "Man & Man" I found myself painting without hesitation, always seeking and finding in the present; I did not plan ahead. "Man & Man" is unveiling itself to me as I work. This does feel like the process I have used (for a long time) while drawing. I have often asked myself, "Why do I approach painting differently than drawing?" My excuse has been the vastly more complicated problems which painting presents. I believe that excuse was valid, but with "Man & Man," I have leapt over this barrier. The unease I feel is anxiety. I now have the tools to do this painting justice, I just do not have the energy to do it today. This statement may seem trite. Why should I be worried? I worry because my feeling tired is indicative of my mortality. I worry about my fleeting, transitory, temporary life. Being tired reminds me of the physical limits of life and conscious time. I can now make a painting without plans, or time-consciousness; I get frightened because I have so much more to do and I am too aware of the ephemeralness of life.
On a happier note, the drawing I made yesterday was another excellent one. Even though I wrote (above), about my obtaining a spontaneous process in drawing much earlier in my career, this drawing was made with greater trust in my finding truth than I have experienced in the past. First, when making form I can see and know its validity in an instant. Second, when I am uncomfortable with a mark I do not hesitate to rub it out and replace with one of more confidence. This extemporaneous process is without emotion or knowledge of time. I always look back at it with joy. It is how I want to be, always.
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