The Sluggishness of Discovery
Is there a best way to untangle the mess that is within me? I look at the work of young painters and see extreme derivation. Their work looks like other people's work. I am certainly past this. Now what? Slow is the operative word. Sluggish it feels. Yet, I know I am disentangling that which has so confusingly taken residence within my core. Look at today's drawings! They are "top of the morning to you"! Yes, bright awakenings, as if the slumbering adjectives within my bowels are aroused because they have hit the light of day. This may sound exciting, but I feel a bit depressed. I have dreamed that life as a painter would be life of creative exhilaration. It just ain't so. Victories over darkness do feel good, but amity because of those successes, is temporary. Here I am, feeling alone with the confusion that must be unravelled. It is time for me to stop being alone. I know the work is mine, mine alone, but I know my sharing it is now more important than ever. The next step in my evolution is here and there, as well as here and now. If I don't do this, step out, I will slowly wither within my self-mystery.
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