The wish for energy constancy...
I do not like the ups and downs of my energy. Yesterday was a very good day in the studio. I had all the energy I required, I focused easily, followed my quest for correctness without question; everything I worked upon was moved toward clarity and authenticity. Between days like yesterday I suffer through days of lower energy and the confusion that is part of them. Acceptance of the rhythms of living is difficult. It seems I am eternally frustrated. Besides the unevenness of energy, there is another kind of frustration. This other frustration is an important force in the making of art: I never get it right. The arrow never hits the target, it gets closer and closer, like the mathematical graphical analysis that clocks the arrow as a function of its halving its distance to the target. I get closer and closer, but always end away from full authenticity. These two frustrations, inconsistent energy and the impossibility of complete authenticity, do not feel the same. Energy inconsistency is bothersome and annoying, while the quest for the authentic is exciting and rewarding: the target keeps moving and changing because of deeper insights.
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