Often I think my art is nothing more than the manipulation of the zero sum existence I live in. My efforts to make sense of the visual picture plane is analogous to the difficulty I have making sense of my existence. I am trying to find meaning and purpose by laying down paint and pencil marks on canvas and paper. There is no surprise here. It feels mundane for me to broach this subject. Questioning one's reason for being here is endless and has been done since humans obtained the capacity to be reflective. As I wrote that last sentence I asked myself, "Why do I dare put this thought out there? All of us feel the same." The answer to this question is important to me, of course, but I write it here because it is equally important to the choices I am making in my art. I am continuing my search to find a proper subject. I am seeking self-satisfaction and purpose. I am motivated by my search. The subject of my art is important to my self-motivation. At least that is the way I feel right now, since I do not fully comprehend my present choices. I do know the full development of form and space is important to me, i.e creating forms and space on a two-dimensional plane that appear three-dimensional. I know I represent people over and over again, and I often represent couples entangled in emotional responsiveness to one another. I am beginning to feel that my need to create three-dimensional form and space will be with me always. I am not sure if my present manner of depicting human figures is lastingly important. I intended to begin a new painting yesterday. However, after completing the first drawing I found myself with just 20 minutes left in the studio. So, I decided to make a quick drawing. The result is above. Willem de Kooning talked about making drawings while watching TV. Setting his attention into conflict apparently released a portion of his mind. Otherwise he would have restricted the images in his drawings to a repetitive reissue of his previous manner of making images. Quick drawings, like the one above, may help me to separate my conscious mind from repetition as well.
If you followed the making of this painting you may be as rewarded and as confused as I am. It is what it is. It is not what I envisioned upon my first encounter with its white canvas, nor is it what I envisioned after my first day of laying down paint. So what? Well, it points to me releasing myself into my deepest intuition and falling away from presupposed image making. I continue to learn I am not the painter I envision myself to be. This painting, made in collusion with my intuition, has caused contusion to my super ego, which is good. Explanation of super ego from Wikipedia: As to today's answer to the question in today's title: "YES! Of course!" How could it be otherwise? The invention is just beginning. I am beginning to trust more and more of my instincts. I am accepting the route to authentic expression. The simplest ideas are the most difficult for me to accept. Here I am doing it, and it makes me nervous and anxious. Once again, as I have done in other segments of my life, I am experiencing a high level of anxiety. I believe it is a reaction to my acceptance that my abilities are now capable of coupling with the vast, complex amount of stuff I need to express. I can do this. This affirmation is overwhelming because it is acceptance of a gigantic journey. The journey looks daunting from here. It is intimidating if I look forward. This is why I have been making the effort to alter my state of consciousness. I must accept the here and now as the problem to be solved. The alternative unnerves me. If I do not do this I will remain unsettled and continue to live in a painful, anxious state of mind.
I did not post yesterday, so these images are from the day before yesterday (01/22/2014). Yesterday took me to a film class and then elsewhere. Since I was away from the studio I did errands. This you do not need to know, but I did want to share with you one thought. It is apparent that some solution must take place in the middle right edge of Untitled-01·02·2014. Maybe a cat will come in...
2014 is beginning slowly, at least in the studio. Slow is not necessarily a bad thing. I am being thoughtful, and yes, a bit preoccupied. I will go to New York City tomorrow. I plan to see the Magritte exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art, the Dutch works at the Frick Collection (including Vermeer's famous "Girl with a Pearl Earring"), and the Balthus exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
My slow procession into 2014 is allowing me to find a better way to view my own work. By this I mean my self-criticism is becoming more balanced and more accepting of my peculiar manner of seeing the world. Like George Bernard Shaw I believe my peculiar vision reflects my normality. I believe I see clearly. I will make my art with acceptance that my peculiar vision is normal vision. This is my year to find my niche and to accept it as my authenticity. Returning to the studio is always way more interesting than I am prepared for. By this I mean there is trepidation about a return after an extended absence, especially after the holidays when making-art is remote. I spend all my time with friends and relatives. The holidays are joyous and distracting. Distracting would be the most correct adjective if I thought art-making is the most important aspect of my life. But art-making is not the most important aspect of my life. Art-making allows me to live with the fears and questions which make my life full of self doubt, anxiety, and apprehension. Being with people, especially during celebratory times (when everyone is mostly positive), deflects wonderfully. For hours at a time I actually stopped worrying! There is another result that is constructive and worthwhile: During my off-time from art-making I gathered creative energy which allowed me to understand more clearly my basic abilities and the reasons I make art ― this allowed me to enter the studio yesterday with greater understanding of my authentic visual voice.
Yesterday's work came from me without self-criticism. That is rare and good (thus the title of today's post). I need more days like that, i.e. days of making art without self-doubt. This goes to the old idiom: "One should act the in the manner one wishes to act."
Making art is basically reacting to annoyances and making the effort to fix them. Picasso said it was like being in a room with a draft from a window ― the act of making art is closing the window to stop the draft. Stuff gets fixed and it gets better with each fix. Here I am with the painting Untitled-10·20·2013, in its twelfth version, and the head of the woman appears too large to me. This recognition occurred to me only after I altered her neck and torso. Drat! So I show you the drawing from yesterday before the painting because (at this point) I like it better than the painting. The drawing has been designated "state 1" because I fully intend to fix a few things in it today. Cheers!
How come you can't know it all at once? It seems to me that painting is a lot like writing a novel ― you can't know the outcome when you begin; upon initial inspiration you merely have a fundamental feeling for the characters. And so it goes.... Today I will alter this painting, now in its 17th state, once again. I feel like I know the nature of the situation better than yesterday, which was better than the day before. The unravel of knowing is occurring slowly, moving, as it is, from cryptic to authentic. When this painting is true to itself it will be finished.
OK, yes, I am pursuing this painting as a dog pursues a scent. I can small its conclusion. I continue to feel this painting is very important, a turning point in my career as painter. The importance is more in my process than it is in the result (I am not judging the quality of the painting). This managing of process, i.e. the consistent intuitive nature, and the depth of internalization which accompanies my art-making, is relatively new. It came upon me as surprise. The verbal search to identify that which I am doing has fallen off the path I am hounding.
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May 2024
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